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Friday, February 11, 2011

Gossip Girl Round 6

Gossip Girl Round 6
“The rain, the red car, the bubblegum stuck under my sandals. All of these I will let go. The hugs, the kisses, the sweet tune of your voice. I will put those behind me, this is now true. It must have been real, the things we had, but I know for sure they wouldn’t last. So this is my final post about you, my last thought of you. Thanks for making me feel special even just for a short time. Thanks for I have proven that inspiration could make someone feel alive. This is my testimony. And this is now the end.

Ola! S is back!

You’ve always been aware that I’ve been talking about one girl on my gossips. And yet again, heartache was told and yours truly got the privilege to share it to you.
You’ve read that one up there? Yes, you’re right. It was written by her. She told me that she had been delaying this day, the day when she could really let go and tell me the stories. Because telling the tale signifies that it is really the end, that she is now really finally letting go.

According to her, she met him through his sister. They were text mates. At first, she’s not into the set up. What a text mate could do? Where will this lead to? But as the days went by, she had known him bit by bit. They haven’t met, not until a month later of being text mates. And there, she realized that it’s not that hard to like this guy.

They had moments together, moments that she couldn’t easily let go. Because according to her, the things he made her feel and experience were not easy to forget. It was her first time to feel that maybe, there’s this one guy that could actually put down her walls and believe that she could finally fall in love, for real. But no, fate had been cruel once again.  She didn’t know what went wrong. She had just woke up one day and the magic was gone. He had slipped away.

What else is there to do but let him go? How could she stop him because that’s the most selfish act to do? And so she let him. And along the way, she suffered.
But that’s all there was to it. She couldn’t even go into detail. She said that the things they had could only be saved into her memories. But, yeah, it is now the end of her wishful thinking.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Trying to be smart about Life

It’s just a beautiful thing!

If I asked you what life is and you answered this, six months ago I would scream at you and say, “Are you for real?”

I couldn’t deny the fact that I have been miserably miserable (redundant?) for the second half of 2010. At that time I couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself. I want you to know why. I am not taking a justification of myself; I don’t even want you to understand me. I just want to put it into writing so that I could let go of it, fold it nicely, and tuck it under the sheets of misbehavior and some-not-believing-in-myself-clips of my life, and make it a nice reference if ever so I will encounter problems like these again.

It could have started after I lost a battle in the field of love and relationship. It could have been when I’ve graduated from college. It might have been sprouting as early as when I was in my senior year on high school. Or it might be rooted from the moment when I was a naïve, sensitive child and thought that I am not better because of what other people had said about me then. Oh there! I think I had pinpointed the dawn of the life of the faithless child. I became doomed the moment I take into consideration all the things that other people might say towards me.

Ever since I was a little girl, I had loved to hear praises from people. It makes me feel good when people appreciate what I think is the most fascinating thing there is. I have always wanted to hear affirmation on anything I want to do. I have big plans. I had dreamed big. I just forgot one thing: To believe in myself, to believe that I could actually achieve those plans, to believe that I will become who I should be.

Don’t get me wrong. A number of times, I fully believe in myself that I could do whatever. But I get uninspired easily. This is my ultimate weakness: Whenever I hear negative things about me, I let them in. I make them a poison in my system. I hold on to it. But behind that weakness, let me redeem myself—I take actions to prove people wrong. But…in the thirst of changing and proving myself, I tend to lose track, I make wrong decisions.

After I graduated, I thought, this is the moment of truth. Cliché, yes, but it really is. I had done well in my studies, modesty aside, thus the high expectations. Professors, classmates, friends, family—they’re all scrutinizing my steps as if I had prepared a big plan that would surprise them all. Surprised, they are! I had made a fool out of myself. I had felt I became the laughing stock. Of course my family and closest friends had supported me all the way. But I am not contented. Behind those spectators, there’s the biggest enemy—myself. I put a lot of pressure on myself. I didn’t take into consideration that I had to make one step at a time. But the drive to excel is too much of a force. I was blown away; I landed on the black hole. Now where am I? Where should I go?

The first month of 2011 had been pretty so-so. I am embracing the failures and bad decisions. But who am I kidding? I don’t want this. I couldn’t be like this forever. I’m turning 21, and I am still a mess.
I don’t know when and how but there’s one sentence that made me aim for it: “You take responsibility on your own decisions.” The decisions, no one else made it but you.
That is why I am doing this—taking responsibility of my actions. No matter how hard, no matter what people say. Yes, you read it right. I am freeing that obsessive me over the opinions of other people. It’s not wrong to take advices from experienced people but what I learned now, though I had been reading it a lot, is that you cannot really please everybody.

So to end this, ask me what life is.
My answer? Hell, this is life. You really don’t know what it is. And that makes it a beautiful thing.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Ugong ng Tren--Hiyaw ng kamusmusan

Isang nakabibinging ugong ang nagpagising sa akin. Araw-araw naman ay ang ugong ng tren ang aking nagsisilbing alarm clock. Kapag narinig ko na ito, ibig sabihin ay alas-seis na ng umaga. Ganyan ako kaagang nagigising. Kailangan eh. Kailangang magtrabaho. Kailangang kumayod. Pero ‘di na kailangang mag-aral.
Kinse anyos na ako. Dapat ay estudyante pero isang tagalako ng sampagita. Dapat nasa eskwelahan pero nasa mga kalsada. Hanggang grade 5 lang ang natapos ko. Ni hindi man natuloy hanggang grade 6 para kahit papaano ay masabi naming may natapos ako kahit elementarya lang. Sabi kasi ni Inay ay ‘di naman kailangan makatapos. Hindi naman daw talaga iyon kailangan para umasenso. Sa karanasan lang daw nagkakatalo. May kilala nga daw siyang isang mayamang tao na hindi man nakapagtapos pero umasenso. Sabi ko naman sa loob-loob ko, “tinulad pa ako!” Nayayamot ako dahil puro na lang ‘abilidad’ ang naririnig ko mula kay Inay.
Bumaba na ako sa makipot naming bahay. Dalawang palapag nga ngunit parang pinitpit na lata kung titgnan. Diyan ako lumaki. Squatter ng Tondo. Malapit sa riles ng tren. Home da riles nga kumbaga. At kailangan ko nang magmadali. Baka maubusan pa ako ng sampagita at ‘di na ako mabigyan ni Aling Timing. Sa kanya kami kumukuha ng mga nilalako naming tinda. At ako ang pinakamatanda sa lahat ng mga nagsa-sampagita. Pero sa bahay ay ako ang pinakabunso. Masasabi ngang ako ang pinakabata sa pamilya ngunit ako naman ang bumubuhay sa kanilang mga batugan. ‘Di miminsan na akong nagtangkang lumayas. Sawang-sawa na kasi ako. Pero kahit ganun, dinadala pa rin ako ng mga paa ko pabalik sa aming barong-barong.
Ako na pala ang huling kukuha ng mga paninda. Isang matamis na ngiti ang binigay ko kay Aling Timing nang kunin ko sa kanya ang mga sampagita. Ganundin ang nagging tugon niya at nagbilin pa sa akin. Siya ang kinikilala kong pangalawang ina. Isa siyang dating guro sa isang mataas na paaralan sa aming lugar pero naalis ang lisensya nang siya ay sumali sa isang malawakang protesta laban sa pamamalakad ng paaralan. Minsan ay nabanggit niya ito sa akin. At kapag may natitira pang oras ay tinuturuan niya ako ng kaunti. Wala na kasi siyang pamilya at nag-iisa na sa buhay. Ang tangi na lang nakapagpapasaya sa kanya ay ang paggawa ng mga sampagita.
Ilang minuto ang lumipas at nasa lansangan na ako. Isa ako sa mga tinatawag ng mga nakakaangat sa amin na ‘nakikipagpatintero sa mga sasakyan’. Pero anong magagawa ko? Ito lang ang alam kong hanapbuhay para mabuhay ko ang aming pamilya. Anong buhay naman ito?
“Ale! Mama! Bili na po kayo! Bagong pitas ang mga ito! Singko pesos lang po! Ale! Salamat po!”
Araw-araw ay ‘yan ang lagi kong sinisigaw, ang lagi kong sinasabi sa bawat taong nagdaraan. Nauubos na ang boses ko, natutuyo na ang lalamunan ko. Kailan ba ako titigil sa ganitong klaseng pamumuhay?
Alas-dose na ng tanghali. Gutom na ako. Pumunta ako sa isang sulok ng kalye. Kinain ko ang isang siopao na ibinigay sa akin ng isang mabuting lalaki kanina. Pantulak na lang ang hahanapin ko. Sa isang banda ay nakakita ako ng gripo. Halos ubos na ang mga paninda ko. Maaga-aga yata akong makakauwi. Buti naman at makakapagpahinga na rin ako. Wala na ring masasabi ang pamilya. Sapat na siguro ang sakripisyo ko.
Sa wakas at naubos na rin ang mga sampagita ko. Ala-una pasado pa lang. Marami-rami rin ang kita, P205. Nang pagkaabot k okay Aling Timing ang aking bayad ay tinanggihan niya ako. Hindi na rin ako nagpumilit pa dahil kailangan ko rin kasi. Pagkatapos kong nagpasalamat ay dumiretso na ako ng uwi. Nang inabot ko kay inay ang pera ay wala man lang akong narinig na konting usal ng pasasalamat. Ano pa nga bang inaasahan ko?
Mga alas-singko y media na nang makarinig kami ng mga nag-aaway. Dalawang lalaki ata. Kasunod noon ay mga putok ng baril ang pumailanlang sa ere. Sunud-sunod. Hiyawan ang mga tao sa labas. Bigla na lamang akong nakadama ng mainit sa kaliwang dibdib ko. Masakit. Biglang nagdilim ang aking paningin. Unti-unti’y kusang sumara ang mga talukap ng aking mga mata. Tapos wala na akong maalala.
“Anak, gumising ka!”
“Pangako, maghahanap na ako ng trabaho bunso!”
“Kafatid, gising sabi diyan eh!”
“Anak, pangako patatapusin na kita ng elementarya.”
Mga boses at mga salitang nakapagpagising sa akin. Unti-unti kong minulat ang aking mga mata. Una’y nasilaw ako ngunit unti-unti ding nabuo ang mga taong nakapalibot sa akin. Kumirot ang kaliwang dibdib ko. Pero kahit na masakit ay kitang-kita ko ang mga luhaan at nag-aalalang mukha ng pamilya ko. Nang biglang sa wari ko’y unti-unting sumisikip ang dibdib ko. Hindi na ako makahinga. Hanggang sa tuluyan nang nakakasilaw na puti na lang ang nakikita ko. Sobrang liwanag pero nakakagaan ng pakiramdam. Wala na ang sakit na nararamdaman ko kanina. Kaginhawaan. At bigla ko na lang naisip, langit na ba ito? Siguro’y oo. Agad kong natanggap. Para kasing doon ko lang madarama ang kapanatagan ng loob. Walang iniisip na anumang suliranin. Napag-isip-isip ko, tapos na yata ang misyon ko sa mundo. Hanggang doon na lang siguro ako. Tama na.
07.07.05
Edited