my prince with his shiny black volvo

if bella swan has edward cullen, a vampire with a shiny silver volvo, hey people, i don't care!
as i have my very own basketball hero: Chris Tiu, a dreamboy with a sleek black volvo!

oh my. i'm soo happy i saw him even if i didn't get a picture with him.
but who's complaining? i still got the chance to take a glimpse of him eventhough i didn't went to Manila just to see him. he went here in our school. i'm frustrated though because i didn't hear him speak. based on the guard that i asked, he made some talk in one of our buildings, san francisco de javier at the fourth floor with i don't know who the audience is. haay. sad.
but still i got a video of him as he made his way to his volvo car. haha.

when he arrived, i didn't realize it was him who got out of the car. he's so simple. gush.
i playfully thought that i should have been bumped by him so we can get contact. but then, i'm not that type of girl. i admire him yes but i won't do anything stupid just to catch his attention. i respect him so much. i know he values his privacy. but i just can't help to take a video of him. some sort of a remembrance for me.

i hope i'll be seeing him for the next days of my life. i'll be contented just by looking at him. he has a calming effect on me. oh my, but my knees buckled when i first saw him. as if all of my energy were suck out of me. hahaha!


i won't forget this day.
december 13,2008.
he arrived at around 9:30 am and he left 11:30 am i guess.

so there. my first encounter of my dreamboy.


*yeah,for many i am so baduy. haha. i don't care!


---lingling. c;

i give up!

i give up on him na...

it's the most rational and logical thing to do.

yeah,i know I'm super weak...


haay.

about my last entry pala.
i know i suck at poetry!
gush.
ahaha.

well, i will see chris tiu naman tomorrow.
he's gonna visit our school.
so excited.
aha!

it's my best friend's debut today. but we can't get to be with her on this special day.
so sad...

but well. Happy Birthday, Sheen'Sheen!

c;

random poems/entries while sitting in our primar class.

it's a place i can't fathom
a sudden feeling i can't control
i might be insane at this moment
i don't know if i want to fall

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
my only problem is whenever i tend to like someone deeper,
something would surely make me hold back from flourishing that
feelings to something much much deeper.
(do i make sense?har)


--being so.so confused if i will continue this feelings i have for him--

he's as bright as the moon
when darkness fill in
you may see him or you may not
he's so unreachable
as any stars could be

-----------------------------------------------
he's the sun
i am a meteorite in space
every planet revolves around him
and so do i

i can't go near him
i might burn myself
i can't stay away from him
i need his warmth

he's special
i am a waste
he's very much needed
when i am not much of a help

we are in the same place
yet we function differently
he's so important
and i will be spending my life unnoticed.

--just for him. i always feel that i am not good enough for him. *sigh*

Ambiguous

she's boring
she's dry
she's moody
yet i don't know why

she's bubbly
she's sweet
she's a darling
but sometimes runs deep

she's a mess
she's complicated
she couldn't care less
though now she's wondering

she thought she know herself
she thought forever she can be like this
but now she's confused
if ever she'll find happiness soon.


--------------------------------------

for the record, i've never felt happiness in my entire life
sure there are happy moments where i laughed all the time
yet i know deep down inside of me, there lies an empty space needed to be filled.

--------------------------------------

sometimes i want to be a child sleeping in the street
all she ever mind is how to survive the day
she doesn't care about people around her as long she's gotten help from them
i wish i'm the one just receiving and not thinking what i must give in return.

--not being so contented with what's happening in my life now.--

Dearest

he's my dearest
'cause he's the only one who had dig a deep hole in my heart
he may not know this
but he left a big imprint in my life.

i want to call him my dearest
'cause he's the first person i tend to care for the rest of my existence
he may not like it
but it's the only dream i've ever hoped.

he can't be my dearest as long as i live
'cause i want to find somebody else that will make me feel loved
he may never care
but i know i'm better off without him.

--for my first love. hahaha. --






and so, that was it. i didn't listen on what my teacher is babbling. i just keep on writing and writing. i don't know. i feel a little bit left out.


--ling'ling--
october 6, 2008

a new one?perhaps...hope so?ahw.

i'm suddenly thinking more and more often about him.
he's another guy but i don't think he's just any other guy.
he's my only guy classmate in college that had really intimidated me. i don't know why it's like that.

as the day goes by, i find him more intriguing. i might not know him better, but i just think and think and think. i'm really confused.

i'm beginning to like someone that i don't want to like!

last night, he's on my dream. maybe that's because i thought of him before i went to sleep. gush, what's happening to me? grr.

i don't know what will become of this. i must not think about it. come what may.


go,girl! c;

august 31, 2006.sunday.

a day that must have been a relaxing day after a week of exams became a heart wrecking day.

i received a news, a grave news which drained my happiness and energy.

it feels like a bomb just exploded in front of me, destroying my moving on process.

i don't understand. i really don't get it. why is it like this? whenever i start to move on, really let go, there will be a hindrance that will stop me from letting go. and what i had learned on this day really shook my foundation that i already made upon moving on.

i despise him a lot. yet, i think i still love him. my friend told me it might be just a psychological thing--my love for him. maybe i don't really love him anymore. i just think that i still love him. yeah,maybe i can agree. but i don't know. the more i try to forget him, the more there'll be some instances which will refrain me from doing it.

he's free again. he made a decision quite hurtful for the other girl. why does he do these things to all of us? i didn't fight for my rights--my rights of knowing what really his intentions are. he can't say a thing about me blaming him of everything that hadhappened to me. but he still owe the other girl an explanation. he has to explain. he must!

when i found out that he's free again, the first thing that really came to my mind is that, well, there's a hope that we can be together. but i erase this from my mind. it's silly. and when i found out his reasons, i suddenly felt sorry for the other girl and it really pissed me off that his reasons are so,so lame. he got no right to do those things to her. that's unfair. he's always unfair!

as i think about all of the things that he has done, the hurt and pain he embedded on me, i suddenly realize how selfish he became. he only think of himself, his happiness, his freedom! he never thought of what might i feel. what might i think about him and about myself as well. he's really bias. uncaring.

gush, i've finally let these out. i always deny these things to myself.

--"through rigorous studying i can escape from the hurtful world he put me into." *sheilaling*

why august 18, 2008 is a happy day?

I thought August 18, 2008 will be such an ordinary day given that it's a holiday. (though i have to finish doing my assignment in oblico and reviewing for the long test.)

But, it became a wonderful day for me when one of my best friends reminded us that it is our 3rd Anniversary as a barkada! Woah! I totally forgot that it is August 18, 2005 when we made a contract for our story and we all signed it. Oh, that was so fun.
And that's it. An important date for us the Go Go Galaxy Girls.
I love you so, my girls! muah!


Another good thing that had happened in this day was that, my "ex-crush" and I became textmates na! Haha! He said I am cute. Haha! So laret. hahahaha!


Then, the most important event that had happened for this day was when my best friend(my dear) texted me and he wants to make ammends. That was the best holiday gift ever! And so, we're okay na. Back in each other's arms na. Awh. Never felt this great. I miss that guy sooo much. And he missed me too! Haha!

*another thing that made me happy is when I saw Tiu in his new TV show. waah! I'll get to watch him once a week since I can't watch his games and his other show. haha.
*i got my new haircut too! at ystilo salon.haha.

This day is really a blessing. I can't ask for more. Thank you my Lord. muah!

..shey..

August 03, 2008 Sunday

For me, a heartfelt mass comes to me rarely. Or should I say, it is just once in a while for me to enjoy and really learn from a mass. As being a choir member, I seldom feel that I’m really into what I sing. Shame, but I don’t often experience such a wonderful mass wherein I really listen in the homily and sing with my whole heart on it for God. Yeah, I’m ashamed of being like that sometimes. I always ask God for his forgiveness about all these things. *sigh*

A great factor maybe for this is the diversion my mind creates, and so as my fellow choir mates. We usually chitchat about our week whenever the priest is doing his homily. Shame on us, don’t you think? Awh.

But the rare heartfelt mass that I was mentioning came to me unexpectedly last August 03, 2008. I don’t know but maybe because of the celebrant of the mass which is my favorite priest ever, I settled myself to listen to the whole mass, participate on it, and sing as if I’m not the one who’s singing. It is a great mass indeed. I learned so many things and I felt that God is beside me, listening to my song for him. I don’t even care if I sang the wrong notes.

The priest asked us about on what we usually want to find. Money? Work? Our other half? No. it must not be like that, he said. He mentioned that what we must really find is freedom. But then, what is freedom for us? Doing what we want? Going to the place we want? No. Not really like that I think. From what he said, find freedom. You are free when you can do what you have to do. Right, isn’t it? We must not do what we just want. We are not free then. You just make those things that you want to do but you don’t have to act that way necessarily. Personally, I think I’m not free. Why? Oh, just because I cannot perform things that I have to do. I know that I need to help people in my own way but I just can’t bring up myself to accomplish it because I think I don’t have the means. And so on, and so on…

Next, find joy. Find happiness in others. Surely, you’ll be happy also. You cannot discover happiness only with yourself. Have you ever saw a person who has this big smile and sparkling eyes you can’t help but smile, too? Did you ever experience to see an elated group of people and suddenly you also feel you can jump for joy and join their feast? Oh, maybe I did experience it once or twice. But I think it’ll be great if every time I’m sad I will encounter one person who can erase my sadness.

And lastly, seek God, the true happiness and peace. Find Him at the bottom of our hearts and everything will be okay. He’s our only refuge. When you can’t find anyone else to turn to, find Him. Call Him in the middle of your darkness. Surely, He won’t turn you down. He’s the only reliable one. I do this, really. Whenever I feel alone, I’ll just talk to Him. I know He listens and that gives me comfort.

He ended the mass with his usual "assignment" that we must do for the week. And that is we must do our bucket list. Hm. I wrote 10. But I can't help but write and write more. haha.

After that mass, it elevated my feelings. I felt light. I hope I’ll experience this every Sunday. It’s a great feeling.

--shey--

just a tumble of my thoughts...

a lot of things had been going around my life now. they all seem so new to me. it's as if, i know they exist but i didn't expect that i'll encounter them. they cloud my mind. i can't think straight about them, or should i say about just one of them. i am even afraid of thinking about it. it's a worry. they are my worries.
and here they are:

+i can't decide if i'll challenge myself on having a boyfriend or just stick to my studies. there's weighing of options here. pros and cons.
--if i'll have him as a boyfriend, it'll be something of an experience for me in my college life which my friends consistently trying to make me do it. but if i don't, they'll think and subconsciously i can say that yes, maybe i'll miss half of my college life if i won't have boyfriend during these days of my life. but then again, i don't think i can handle such situation. who or what will i prioritize? him or my studies? yeah, i know it must be my studies. so what's the point of asking? but then there is this what they call balancing of priorities. yeah right. i don't know if i know how to do that. hell. *sigh*

+another thing: the incoming induction night of our organization. it's a lot of work, yes. but i don't think i do much about it. i mean, it's as if i can't do anything about it. only my other officers are working. where's my contribution then? i think of myself useless. i also think that we'll gonna screw this up because our advisers have so much to say about our preparation, coordination, and communication. i always think, don't you think! harhar. i'm losing my head here.

+next is about my grades. hell, but i'm becoming a grade maniac. what's been happening to me? har. but i can't blame myself. there's so many of them that expect i can make it again this time. but another part of me says that why should i think about them? okay, i'll set them aside. but what about my self disappointment? a dilemma in here again. but come on! why do i have to think this way?! this is just sooo.

+then another one is my not being exactly a friend to my barkada. i don't know. i hardly see and be with them now. i'm even having a hard time opening up with them. waah! what's been happening to me? but i guess, this is another point in my life wherein i have to experience all these things just to make it to the next step. i love my friends, i really do. but sometimes i just don't think i'm worthy of their friendship.

+ah! another big hit! there's this someone older than me and older than my aunt whom i feel he's attracted to me! to think i just see him as a big brother. awh, he's becoming annoying and persistent. i don't think i must say rude things about him considering he had done so much for me, which is more alarming! i don't know if i'm just assuming or there's really something that can be of evidence in my theory. argh! i don't like this. i don't feel that i can handle that situation. i mean, hello? but then again, my friends tell me, "why not?" yeah right, why not...why not kayo dian! hahaha.

maybe i just think too much to the point of thinking something of no importance. maybe i'm wrong about my presumptions, more on the latter part that i've mention i guess.

haay. this is such a stressful period of my life. i just don't want to worry myself about them. what will come, will come. one day at a time.

...=)

'shey

-these are my bestfriends. we are the galaxy girls!
that's me, the first in line.
then it's lea, erika,sheen,em and tin!
c;
miss them so much. awh,

first ever adobe image. ahaha. c;

too novice? haha.
i intend to improve. c;

the real moving on...

This is it. The moment I’ve been waiting. It’s also the time that I’ve been dreading to come. I’ve waited for this because I’m already trapped in my past. I’m dreading it because I still hope that we can be “us”.
But all the same, we’re over. It started when i texted him:


John nicole. Balu ku mimwa ka. Hay. Eku balu ot mipakanyan pa. Wa, atin kung kasalanan nia manyad kung tawad. Sorry talaga. Balu ku gang kanita pa etana talaga maging friends. Marakal ng melyari. Nung apanasakit daka, mas apanasakitan mu ku dating dati pa. buri ku ng mayari ini. Sorry talaga.
Good luck namu keka. may God bless you.
12:15:45 am 15.07.08


And his reply was:


G0odm0rning, sensya enaku mekapagreply nabengi..Ma2d2d nku knta... Ekuman buring malyari ini, pero palage ku ini ing dapat.. Balu ku madagul a madagul ing kasalanan ku keka, a bigger s0rry 4 u... Mas marakal nku kasalanan keka eh! ika n ring sinabi n buri munang mayari ini, hmm,,honestly, aku dn...though awkward man para kaku na itxt dka eku balu bt gagawan ku, pero siguru apin namu ini ing paralan dat wud set us free... I'm sorry and at d same tym i thank y0u 4 d thngs i've learned... Thank y0u kc nung ala ka, cguru aku p rn itang dating jeyen, ngeni s0ring maragul kc kylangan k png manasakit bayu ku mabyasa... Though meyari tamu mang makanini atleast with0ut leaving us blank, we're better... Balu ku masakit kalingwan ing eganagana, don't wori i'll do my part so us to 4get evrythng.. Last text kune keka ini, sana ituring muneng pr0per closure ini 4 us to m0ve on.. Don't wori God is g0od mkaganti k rn...heheü thank you very much! Pakigreet pala i ivan... tnxü Haay,, mkaba neh, ala nku asabi bsta fr0m d b0tt0m of my heart i'm so s0o sorry... Take care and God bLess... tsk..tsk..tsk.. ö^_^ö
10:19:17 am 15.07.08


And my last reply was:


atin kupang buring abalu mu. Pero sguru blu mu naman. Liguran dakang malambat. Eku blu bkt, bsta mknta.
Ngeni, goodluck namu. I wish for your happiness. Buri ku pg akakit dka ing aalala kumu dng msyang mem0ries.
Goodluck kekyung caril. Haha. O kung ninu man. Emu na palyaring mkpnskt kpa.
Mingat lagi. God bless you.
10:32:28 am 15.07.08


And that was it. This is the reality. The real turning point of my life. I've loved him for so long. But all I got were heartaches and of course unforgettable experiences. And I have to tell myself that this is the most favorable time to move on because I can no longer hope that maybe someday we can be together. Because we're sooo over now. The most beautiful and painful chapter of my life is now officially closed. :(

Well, I know I can get by. GO!

big mistake

everything became blurred. i don't know what to do. or should i say i know what to do but don't know where to start. the pressures in school are normal. but a problem with some friends is just so new to me. i just can't take this all at once. i know I 've done something wrong. but they also have! why do i feel that I'm the villain here? i just can't help but feel super bad! i don't know how to fix this. my guy best friend and i were just a history now. why does it have to be like this? I'm hurting. i hope they know that. it all started last April 18-19,2008, Fontana. we're so excited about this summer getaway. we all had fun in that night. we didn't know something will happen that will shake our friendship. i also don't know how all of these misunderstandings became so chaotic. me against them. i feel so alone. --"that day was a mistake. it didn't bring us closer. it created a big gap between us. so much remorse. but we'll never be the same again. oh, dear. ;c"--

why i'm into it

I can still remember my very first diary and the day I had it. And it is still in my possession. It is color green and yellow with a “Hello Bugi! I will study the ideas and dreams of our history to see how they can help me today” in the cover. I bought that diary with my mom and baby brother on December 10, 2001 (my dad’s birthday). I had my very first entry on Bugi (that’s how I call my diary) in a Jollibee restaurant at 5 o’clock in the afternoon.

As I read my entries back then, I can’t help but laugh at my folly. My handwriting then was so big! And I listed there the codenames of my elementary classmates. If one of them will see those, I and my barkada will definitely be doomed! I also wrote my crushes there. There are also some worries that an ordinary elementary girl would experience. Some are the puppy love, fight with a best friend, carelessness of an immature girl and many more. I just can’t believe I captured my thoughts and feelings in a common notebook and can actually bring me back to those times.

High school life came. I didn’t give up my journals. Though most of what had happened in my most special and delightful experiences were not documented. I deeply regret not constantly writing back then. Good thing I listed my classmates and teachers each school year. c; There’s also a page wherein I wrote about my true and eternal friends: the G4. I didn’t know then that they will stick with me for very long. I also had written something about some serious crushes like my ultimate crush. Mind you, he’s still my crush until now that’s why he’s the ultimate. Hahaha!

The pages of Bugi were all now filled with my evolving penmanship. That’s why I used another one. This time it’s a yellow notebook with a big hamburger in front (I love hamburgers!) My entries there were about my incomplete college life already (I’m just in my 3rd year) and of course, about my first heartaches. I also write some of the quotes from books that really touched my life. Ridiculous it may seem but I kept a record of some of the text messages of my first love. Hahaha!

From a child to a grown up girl yet to be lady, I can say that pen and paper is my very first best friend. I don’t only write in my official journals but also in any piece of paper or just anywhere I would like. I just write and write whenever I feel the urge.

Even if there’s already a blog, I will still love to write with my own hand. It will be a little more personal. And it’s an enchanting feeling to read your thoughts and feelings in your own handwriting after 10 years, saying to yourself, “so silly of me” or “really? I did that?” Laughing but knowing that all of those that were written are a big part of you.