siya ay siya kasama ako.

hindi nila alam kahit ako

wala kahit sino man ang makakaintindi ng nararamdaman ko dahil kahit ang mismo ang sarili ko ay di ko maintindihan. maraming mga bagay ang sa tingin ko ay kulang sa aking pagkatao. marami akong gustong makita, maramdaman at makuha. pero sadyang ang mga bagay-bagay sa aking kapaligiran ang siyang mismong pumipigil na gawin ko ang mga bagay na gusto ko. sinasabi ng karamihan, "walang dapat makapipigil sa'yo kung talagang nanaisin mo." pero hindi ba kalabisan naman kung iisipin mo lang ang 'yong sarili? paano ang pamilya mo? paano ang mga kaibigan mo? paano ang lahat ng mga taong nagmamahal sa'yo?

hindi madaling hanapin ang mga bagay na nawawala sa buhay mo. marami kang matatapakan. marami kang masasaktan. at hindi malayong pati ang sarili mo ay magdusa dahil ang inaakala mong dapat mong ginagawa ay hindi naman kailangan para sa paglaya ng 'yong sarili.

iniisip ko madalas, bakit ang lupit ng tadhana? sa dinarami-rami ng pwedeng maranasan bakit ang buhay na 'to ang siyang napunta sa'kin? matagal na akong di kontento sa anong mayroon ako. marahil 'yon ang dahilan kung bakit nalulumbay pa rin ako. kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay di pa rin ako maligaya.

hindi ko kayang lumayo upang hanapin ang nawawala. ngunit sa wari ko'y unti-unti ko ng nalilimot kung sino ba talaga ako. gustong-gusto kong hanapin ang mga nawawala at ang mga bagay na sa wari ko'y akin dapat. ngunit ipinapahiwatig ng pagkakataon na hindi pa ito ang takdang panahon. kailan naman kaya, kung ganoon?

sawang-sawa na akong maghintay. subalit para bang iyon lamang ang dapat. marahil ay kailangan ko lamang matutong maging pasensiyosa. siguro ay darating din 'yon. huwag ko lamang pagtuunan ng panahon, dadap na 'yun sa aking mga palad.

what is mine?

i was wondering, as i am sure every girl in this world is: who is my prince charming?

will i be like Elizabeth Bennet who didn't like her Mr. Darcy at first sight?

or will it be like with what had happened with Marianne Dashwood who spent tearful nights because her Mr. Willoughby had actually been engaged to somebody else?

will my prince charming be like Pip who had loved his Estella from the time he set his eyes on her and will do anything just to have her?

or will he be something like Heathcliff who selfishly loved his Catherine to destruction, where death can't take them apart?

every love story here in the world is somehow the same. prince met his princess, something will test their feelings, and they'll just either end up together or not at all. funny how the universe play in our lives.

it's always our choice, destiny is not something we should rely on.
you make your own path. you make your own way to which you'll take.

you should learn to deal with things, muster some courage, say a little prayer. determination.faith.


every human being asks for many things when all they need is one--love.
from the beginning of time, we were taught how to love but it seems not all of us had mastered the art of loving...and being loved.

who then is mine? who is yours? no one knows until they've chance upon it. one great love. do all of people in this world found theirs? what is there to give, what is there to gain? all life story is written by the same hand. what is mine then? what is there to choose from? as all lives being connected, had my someone been tapped on his back and realized there i was, waiting for him?

it has always been waiting. i chose to wait but nothing happened. is that the way of telling me that's not the road? will i choose to act? oh, yes, maybe...i must act. i should.

gossip girl S escapades Ü

March 9th, 2007
gossip. 

gustu ko lang namang magkwento…

may narinig kasi akong tsismis…

gustu ko lang i-share sa inio…

may isang girl daw na sawa na sa pagmamahal sa isang guy. ni hindi nga niya alam kung bakit hanggang ngayon minamahal pa nia ang guy na yun eh. alam naman niang kahit kailan hindi magagawa ng guy na mahalin yung girl. pinaniwala ng girl ang sarili nia na nagustuhan din sia ng guy. pero kahapon daw, na-realize ng girl na ginawa lang niang tanga ang sarili nia dahil kahapon lang nia napagtantong hindi talaga siya nagustuhan ng guy. iba ang approach ng guy sa babaeng gustu nia. nakita nia yun minsan. sa mismong harapan nia pero in-ignore nia. paano naman kasi, gustu pa ring paniwalaan ng girl na nagustuhan talaga sia ng guy. pero wala nga daw taong hindi nagigising sa katotohanan. masakit pero kailangan na daw niang tanggapin ang totoo. na hindi kailanman naging importante at espesyal ang girl sa guy na ion. nang maalala daw ng girl ang care na ipinapakita ng guy sa babaeng gustu nito, kulang na lang manikip ng husto ang dibdib nia. di daw nia ma-take. pero pagkalipas ng ilang sandaling pag-iisip at pagbabalik-tanaw sa eksenang ion, napangiti na lang daw ng malungkot ang girl. at sinabi sa sarili,”oh ano, papakagaga ka pa sa guy na ian? maawa ka naman sa sarili mo!” pero kahit pa ganun, di pa rin maiwasan ng girl na malungkot. oo, nakikita ko siang tumatawa, nag-jojoke pero alam kong sa likod ng mga ngiti at tawa nito, may nasasaktang puso…

kung sino ka man, pasensia na kung nilagay ko sa blog ang kwento mo no? mabasa sana ng guy ito para naman kahit konti makonsensya sia. yaan mo ang mga ganoong lalake…makakahanap ka rin ng para sa’yo. gO!!!! ahihi…gOodLucK…

March 1st, 2008
gossip. gossip. 


Hey. It’s Gossip time again. Aha.

The girl that I’ve mentioned before, the one that is so fed up of loving a guy, do you still remember her? Shoot. She already decided to move on. That’s a miracle, ha! Because this time it is for real. She deleted the guy’s number and also removed him on the list of her friends on Friendster. That’s a big deal for the girl because before, she can’t do it.

What are the reasons of the girl to finally stop her craziness?

-she finally woke up from the dreamland; 

-she can’t take it anymore whenever her friends call her the ‘most stupid of all’; 

-she doesn’t have the time to analyze what the guy’s intentions for her; 

-she can’t allow the guy to become the ‘best actor’ at her expense; 

-no matter what she feels, the guy just doesn’t respect her feelings; 

-and most especially, she had finally realized that loving the guy will refrain her from enjoying her life to the fullest.

These are not just the reasons. She said, there are so many of them she doesn’t know how to say them. But girl, I’m so proud of you. Get going! There are so many fish in the ocean. You might not know, maybe one of them is now in your life and thinking that you are the one for him, right?

Go girl! Sorry, I’ve posted your story again on my blog. I hope that that guy will read this. It might open his eyes, don’t you think? He had lost a big catch, darling. Hahaha. He surely would regret. Ciao!

lovingly yours,
lyn. (sigh. haha)

April 18th, 2009
gossip part 3 

okay, back to that girl we’re talking about. the one who had finally moved on.

but here is the catch. after she had let go, another one came along. at first she doesn’t know that someday, she’ll like the guy. but then, life is unpredictable. she then became close with the guy. nothing something. just friendship. acquaintance. she’s actually shock to know how their paths are off the crossroads. you know, the ‘what a small world” line. so there. nothing serious because she’s not just that totally ready yet. crushes, passable. but something deeper, not acceptable. i understand, healing the wounds, stitching the scraps.

she thought they are almost alike but different all the same. and as the days passed by, something just occurred. she’s totally caught off guard. is she falling in love again, then? she doesn’t think so. admiration. yes. dreaming of him. almost all the time. but that doesn’t mean she’s falling right? she doesn’t even know the real falling in love. the real love. hell, she’s still deliberating if she had really fallen in love with the ‘past’ guy. she’s thinking of the words infatuation and obsession to describe her feelings. but this ‘now’, she is not quite sure. she like him yes. but there’s something that is holding her back. she can’t point out what are those yet. maybe her cowardice resurfacing again? the scary part of life which is taking risks?

she told me, she’s like taking one step forward and two steps backward. that’s how she compares her ‘liking’ stage with that guy. she doesn’t know if she’ll go for it or not. she asked for signs: negative. but i told her, “no signs must control what you’ll gonna do in your life. remember your principle in life? it’s your choice, not the destiny crap that will make you live your life”. she’ll be enlightened for a second, then hazy decisions again.

her friends are already anxious about her. they had already felt the happiness love brings, but their best friend? not yet. they ask, when will their friend feel such thing? with whom? they just wish that their ‘fragile friend’ will not get hurt again. why fragile? ah. they said their girl friend doesn’t heal too fast. she’ll take as much time before she’ll get healed. yeah, i know, i told them. see what happened to her with her past. quite a long time. hah.

ohw, girl. don’t be confused. follow your heart. (yeah, such a cliche but i think it’s helpful!) analyze your feelings. take the necessary risk. you may never know, he’ll be worth it. ohow, hope so.

no wishful thinkings, ha? no false hopes. get to see the reality. no assumptions. no expectations.

wish you so much luck and love girl!

mwh! (=

August 28th, 2009
gossip part 4 

gossip girl is back! and with so much stories to tell. –S

so, let’s refresh our memories. we’re talking about the girl who had an obsession with a stupid guy. then she had finally moved on. after that she had met a new no nonsense guy which she thought was just a crush, not something deeper. and she’s asked for some signs which turned out to be negative. and i advised her that she should control her life but don’t hope too much.

now wonder what’s going on in her so-called lovelife?okay here it goes:

reality check girl:

they are so opposite in some extremes and are so alike on some unimportant matters. yeah, she admitted to me that there’s no way they can be together. a girl friend told her what she thought about her crushes — that she likes a guy at some point and when something happens she’ll take it back. that girl friend might had gotten the bull’s eye but here’s the thing. i don’t think the girl doesn’t really take the feelings back. the feelings are still there, waiting to resurface again. right, girl? you aren’t that fickle-minded right?

so let’s talk about that ’something happens’. there had been so many things that had happened between them and some other people were involved. she told me, at some point, everything got really complicated. so many unspoken issues and unheard explanations. doubtful days came to her. but in the end she realized trust and instincts are all she can hold on to. however, these don’t change a thing. they won’t and never will they be together. why? hah! i think, you girl, have the most rotten bad luck when it comes to love. no offense, but that’s how i see it.

BUT. don’t forget, maybe this is just a way of God telling you that it isn’t yet the right time. already tired of waiting? oh, girl, don’t be. your life is still so long. don’t lose patience, my darling.

so, what girl? you’ve told me again your story. will i conclude now then?

well, well, well. i THINK, my girl just want to let me know that she’s finally letting go. she’s letting go of that stupid feelings he had for the new boy. she’s letting go of those dreams that someday the guy will like him back. yeah, she had heard of Ciara’s song: “if that boy don’t love you right now, he will never ever, never ever love you.” sorry girl, better luck next time.

and i know for sure–you’re not that ready yet.

so long friends! Gossip girl will be back soon!

–S

Ü

Doodling on my photocopies is my favorite pastime. This I do especially inside the class. It makes me wander far away from the classland, mentally. Sometimes, nonsense, thoughtless things will randomly appear in my notes. But there are also times things that I think witty and smart comes out from me and were actually documented. Oh, I feel I’m a genius…in a way. It’s only myself who appreciates what I write, what I do, what I think. No one understands me, I think. And even I don’t understand myself sometimes. I compare myself to Bubble Boy sometimes, the boy who was placed inside a giant glass so that he won’t be harmed because he doesn’t have an immune system. I think unconsciously I had put my very own bubble glass around me when I was little. Yes you can’t see it but I can feel it. I got shield, man! Or so I thought. I’m numb. I’m heartless. I’m pokerfaced.

I envy those who can say whatever they want to say. Feel what they are feeling. Act what they feel like acting. I’m not that type. I’m well-guarded. Too shielded even I can’t penetrate me. I think I’m sort of pathetic. I can’t say what’s on my mind. I all keep it to myself. I don’t cry all the time. The most upsetting thing could only make me cry…or the funniest thing, too. Yeah, I’m pathetic. I can’t sympathize for myself but for Edward Cole and Carter Chambers I could cry for them. Even I felt for Grace when her dad Harry decided to save the world. It sounds pathetic enough for me for I can cry because of those movies but not for myself!

I hate myself when I don’t respond well. I don’t like it when I don’t speak when I should. I even more abhor me when I don’t treat people nicely. I don’t care what people around me think when I shoo them away.

Would you please help me say what I write? Would you please burst my bubble for me? Would you please let me make my own saddest movie ever so I could cry for myself? Would you please slap my face when I hurt someone?

I badly need that. It might wake me up from my own dreamland and walk through the roads of real life.

----

Sana scripted na lang ang buhay. ‘Yun bang alam mo na kung ano ang sasabihin mo, ikikilos mo, kanino mo sasabihin at kung anong emosyon ba dapat ang ipakita mo. Sana pelikula na lang ang buhay. ‘Yun bang may director na sasabihan ka kung paano mo idedeliver ang line mo. Saang mata mahuhulog ang luha mo. Kung gaano kalakas ang itatawa mo.

Ang hirap kasi kapag hindi mo na alam ang gagawin mo sa buhay. Kung saan ba patungo ang biyaheng ito. Ang hirap din kasi ikaw lang ang nakakaintindi sa sarili. Pero ang mas masaklap pa kapag hindi mo na nga alam ang gagawin mo, hindi mo pa kilala ng lubusan ang sarili mo.

Siguro lahat tayo naranasan na ‘to. ‘Yung feeling na para ka ng nasa dead end. Nahaharap ka sa isang pader na alam mong wala ng mayroon sa kabilang banda. No choice ka kasi kailangan mo na naman bumalik para subukan ang ibang daan.

Minsan, hindi lang pala minsan. Madalas naiisip ko pwede na lang ba akong mawala dito sa lugar na ‘to? Gusto kong umalis dito at pumunta sa ibang lugar. Sana makapaglakbay ako. Hahanapin ko ang sarili ko. Baka wala dito sa Pampanga.
“Nawawala ako. Palutang-lutang lang. Bahala na kung saan ako dalhin ng hangin.”

clouded mind, restless soul.

My friend had shared me this, “You know they say that Jesus is the driver of our vehicle, you heard that? But I disagree. I think WE are the driver of our own life.”

Oh yeah, that’s right. Just like what I always say, it’s your choice don’t blame it on destiny.

My friend also shared this experience to me where she had reflected on what’s going on with her life.

She’s with her boyfriend, riding on a jeepney. She’s just right behind the driver’s back when suddenly she noticed the lines on the road. It might be enticing to look at how the jeep glides through the road but suddenly she had realized something. That is we are the driver of our own jeep. We got so many roads to take. Sometimes you’ll drive smoothly. But sometimes you also get bumpy rides.

You see, it’s your own choice whether you’ll steer the wheel on that direction or on the opposite course. You call the shots on whether you’ll take the long ride or the short one. You can’t blame others when you reach a dead end. You have the choice on whether you’ll get stuck in that corner or reverse your gears and take another route.

I personally believe that God has laid down as much roads as we can have to choose but it’s our own preference on which roads you will take. He has your guidance all the way.

And because of all of these realizations, my friend and I came with this: we think our life is going nowhere. No sense at all. I thought I was just the one who’s thinking this way but surprisingly, she’s experiencing this too.

My life got no meaning suddenly. It’s becoming a routine. You sleep, you wake up, you eat, you watch. I mean, where’s the sense of all of these?

Even on Sundays, my favorite day of the week, it’s becoming less and less fruitful. Four years ago every time I go to the church, there’s this excitement that again I’ll be able to serve God in my own way. But now, ashamed and alarmed as I was, I’m beginning to think that my relationship with God is coming to that thin thread where faith is already slipping. I don’t like that! I mean, I’m afraid if that will happen. It’s as if it’s all becoming a habit. No deeper feelings attached.

I have chaotic mind and heart this past few weeks but I’m keeping myself all numb. I don’t want to think! I don’t want to feel it! And suddenly I don’t know myself anymore. I don’t understand myself anymore, too. I don’t know if I could get all of these off my chest. I’m not good in expressing myself. My friend told me if I don’t understand myself, how would I understand somebody else? It’s just like you can’t love another person if you wouldn’t love yourself first.

Now I’m beginning to think on how to find myself amidst all these. My friend again told me that sometimes we wouldn’t find ourselves here, where we grew up. I now think of going somewhere else. I want to travel in order to find myself.

I enjoy walking by myself; it may be in the mall or on my way home. That process helps me to be self aware. I think more. I battle with my inner self. But I don’t think it’s enough.

I want to find myself. I want to seek my purpose. I want to know if I’m going anywhere. I need to get together with God again. Maybe in the future I would just give the wheel to Jesus and just go with Him. He knows everything. I’m in the safe hands.

what if?

what if i've gone to places?
what if i've seen the world?
will it open my heart,my eyes?
or will i be disappointed 'cause it's not what i thought it was?

what if i've walked through life?
what if i've traveled by feet?
will the path i'm choosing will lead me to that place?
or will it drag me to a dead end?

what if i swam the sea?
what if i dive and glide with the dolphins?
will it bring me to a calm river?
or will its wave splash me to the sharks?
what if i've flew in the skies?
what if i've soared with the birds?
will the air bring me to a nest?
or will the wind blows and turn into a hurricane?

what if i've floated in the space?
what if i dangle there like the stars?
will i found my own galaxy?
or will i stay in the nothingness forever?

contrary and beyond

Life above the earth and beneath the heavens
Simple truths turn to complicated lies
Tranquility felt, clatter now sensing
Organized then chaos.

Antonyms, every experiences
Closed eyes, open and wondering later
Smile afterward, then frown the next
Sitting like no other, get bored and walk away.

Contradicting beings
North and the south of the magnet
The east and west of the compass
Intersection point guaranteed.

Difficult pulling strings together
Maximized effort required
Best tool? Center of entirety
Knowing from within
This beginning to end meeting middle.

moon of the sun.

He is the sun.

I am the moon.

He can shine on his own.

I could do with his brightness.

He has his own warmth.

I need his heat.

He is conspicuous.

I can be concealed.

He is vast.

I am little.

He is everything.

And I am nothing.

Without him, I won’t exist.

Without me, he can live.

Isn’t pathetic?

He exists fairly on his own.

He can survive without aid.

When every part of me screams for his protection.

Every gist of my subsistence calls for him.

I am just his shadow.

And never will I be his light.

He will always be my sun.

And forever will I be the moon.

The Moon, not entirely his.

And the Sun, selfishly mine.

inevitable, i guess.

They say life is full of twists.

You go right; it will bring you to the opposite direction.

You go forward, but it seems it drags you back.

It’s as if no matter what you do, no matter how you try, it won’t let you go to that path you want without facing the worst.

Without you feeling hopeless.

Sometimes life will make you experience every possible wrong turns.

Yet, many will find their way back.

Many will discover the right track.

But some will get stranded.

Some will be trying to move ahead but can’t go on.

Yes, life is so curious.

It can bring sufferings, it can also bring injustice.

But these must not be the reasons to stop, to give up.

It can be difficult, it can be chaotic.

Someone must be strong.

Someone must be able to bounce back.

Someone must know the rhythm of the song, the steps of the dance, and the lines of the poem.

Someone must be able to follow the current of the river.

For all of these have to happen.

For people to understand their existence.

For them to finally reach the ends of the world.

And for them to finally be at the place they ever dreamed of.

---sheilalyndatu---

“The clouds are rivers that already know the sea.”—The Valkyries, Paulo Coelho

exhibit A of a fickle minded person.

I despise getting emotional. Really. The bitterness, the pain. As much as possible I don't want to feel any of them. Or if feasible, not to feel anything at all.

You’re probably saying to yourself as you read this that if I really hate those things, why am I providing this "emoness" then? hah! I really don't know. I can be charlatan sometimes you know.

I don't know if this has something to do with my being 19 already. I’m pressuring myself to do extreme things, those things outside of my box, to make the most out of my last teenage year. Oh yes, I want to know my confines and surpass the expectations of the people around me. I don't want to think that I was born to feel pressured, to think that others are expecting too much from me. Hell! Give me a break. I’m not a cyborg you know, or a robot! I’m just a young lady. I want to do things on my own will. I want to be familiar with myself even more. I want to experience the bliss of a teen life! I don't want to come to a point wherein I will regret the things that I didn't do in the time when I should have done them.

Enough of the pressure things.

Let’s talk about what I want to do this year. Hope I’ll be able to accomplish them and certainly I wish that there'll be someone or some persons who will help me in order to attain them. These are :

a. I want to ride a roller coaster! And any rides that will make my heart pump faster or maybe make it stop! haha.
b. I want to go places. I want to climb the Arayat or Pinatubo. I want to experience island hopping. ahihi.
c. I want to experience night life with my friends! drink anything until I pass out! haha. 'kidding. and go home before dawn! hahaha!
d. I want to love and be loved. haha! naks!

that's all I can think of right now. but I really want to do things that are out of my character.

oh wait. how come I came up to this point of sharing my goals this year?
I thought I will write about something of the plummeting thing. the falling in love thing. the pain and bitterness associated with it. haha. I guess I diverted myself unconsciously. that's because I don't like melodramas right? aha. but really, the whole point of this blog entry is to share my inmost feeling about falling and maybe failing again.

(hello, shey, you haven't done anything yet! you can't say that you'll fail again! you must be successful on this one!)

argh, I’m losing myself here already. I think I better stop this or else...

Pardon me. I’m a little bit crazy right now. haha.

reminiscing 2008

january
the most significant event that happened in this month was on january 31st. the day before my first ever quiz bee. i was with jeyen then. we strolled around villa teresa. before we went out of the subdivision,we were holding hands already. i won't forget that day. though i thought it will be our last memory together.

february
february 1- quizbee, COME, Lyceum of the Philippines. we won the first place!
february 7- my 18th birthday. my family surprised me by organizing a party. they worked with my g4.
february 14- celebrated valentine's day with april, jeph, and warren at mcdonald's.

march
march 11- pdpr culminating activity

april
april 18-19, fontana. my first ----.

may
i think ivan and i's tampuhan started in this month.

june
anything happened in this month? i don't remember.

july
july 7- warren and i settled our differences
july 15- our farewell text--jeyen and i.

august
august 18-ivan and i became okay. lester and i became textmates.

september
september 11-mansoc induction.
september 17-finma tour-pse,trinoma

october
october 21-22- subic getaway--oceanview,zoobic safari. with luisa, lester, darcy, teresa, janice, nisell, and eric.

november
november 15-bea celebrated her 18th birthday at Lewis Grand Hotel.

december
december 6- baguio fieldtrip
december 13-i saw chris tiu!