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Sana scripted na lang ang buhay. ‘Yun bang alam mo na kung ano ang sasabihin mo, ikikilos mo, kanino mo sasabihin at kung anong emosyon ba dapat ang ipakita mo. Sana pelikula na lang ang buhay. ‘Yun bang may director na sasabihan ka kung paano mo idedeliver ang line mo. Saang mata mahuhulog ang luha mo. Kung gaano kalakas ang itatawa mo.

Ang hirap kasi kapag hindi mo na alam ang gagawin mo sa buhay. Kung saan ba patungo ang biyaheng ito. Ang hirap din kasi ikaw lang ang nakakaintindi sa sarili. Pero ang mas masaklap pa kapag hindi mo na nga alam ang gagawin mo, hindi mo pa kilala ng lubusan ang sarili mo.

Siguro lahat tayo naranasan na ‘to. ‘Yung feeling na para ka ng nasa dead end. Nahaharap ka sa isang pader na alam mong wala ng mayroon sa kabilang banda. No choice ka kasi kailangan mo na naman bumalik para subukan ang ibang daan.

Minsan, hindi lang pala minsan. Madalas naiisip ko pwede na lang ba akong mawala dito sa lugar na ‘to? Gusto kong umalis dito at pumunta sa ibang lugar. Sana makapaglakbay ako. Hahanapin ko ang sarili ko. Baka wala dito sa Pampanga.
“Nawawala ako. Palutang-lutang lang. Bahala na kung saan ako dalhin ng hangin.”

clouded mind, restless soul.

My friend had shared me this, “You know they say that Jesus is the driver of our vehicle, you heard that? But I disagree. I think WE are the driver of our own life.”

Oh yeah, that’s right. Just like what I always say, it’s your choice don’t blame it on destiny.

My friend also shared this experience to me where she had reflected on what’s going on with her life.

She’s with her boyfriend, riding on a jeepney. She’s just right behind the driver’s back when suddenly she noticed the lines on the road. It might be enticing to look at how the jeep glides through the road but suddenly she had realized something. That is we are the driver of our own jeep. We got so many roads to take. Sometimes you’ll drive smoothly. But sometimes you also get bumpy rides.

You see, it’s your own choice whether you’ll steer the wheel on that direction or on the opposite course. You call the shots on whether you’ll take the long ride or the short one. You can’t blame others when you reach a dead end. You have the choice on whether you’ll get stuck in that corner or reverse your gears and take another route.

I personally believe that God has laid down as much roads as we can have to choose but it’s our own preference on which roads you will take. He has your guidance all the way.

And because of all of these realizations, my friend and I came with this: we think our life is going nowhere. No sense at all. I thought I was just the one who’s thinking this way but surprisingly, she’s experiencing this too.

My life got no meaning suddenly. It’s becoming a routine. You sleep, you wake up, you eat, you watch. I mean, where’s the sense of all of these?

Even on Sundays, my favorite day of the week, it’s becoming less and less fruitful. Four years ago every time I go to the church, there’s this excitement that again I’ll be able to serve God in my own way. But now, ashamed and alarmed as I was, I’m beginning to think that my relationship with God is coming to that thin thread where faith is already slipping. I don’t like that! I mean, I’m afraid if that will happen. It’s as if it’s all becoming a habit. No deeper feelings attached.

I have chaotic mind and heart this past few weeks but I’m keeping myself all numb. I don’t want to think! I don’t want to feel it! And suddenly I don’t know myself anymore. I don’t understand myself anymore, too. I don’t know if I could get all of these off my chest. I’m not good in expressing myself. My friend told me if I don’t understand myself, how would I understand somebody else? It’s just like you can’t love another person if you wouldn’t love yourself first.

Now I’m beginning to think on how to find myself amidst all these. My friend again told me that sometimes we wouldn’t find ourselves here, where we grew up. I now think of going somewhere else. I want to travel in order to find myself.

I enjoy walking by myself; it may be in the mall or on my way home. That process helps me to be self aware. I think more. I battle with my inner self. But I don’t think it’s enough.

I want to find myself. I want to seek my purpose. I want to know if I’m going anywhere. I need to get together with God again. Maybe in the future I would just give the wheel to Jesus and just go with Him. He knows everything. I’m in the safe hands.