Doodling on my photocopies is my favorite pastime. This I do especially inside the class. It makes me wander far away from the classland, mentally. Sometimes, nonsense, thoughtless things will randomly appear in my notes. But there are also times things that I think witty and smart comes out from me and were actually documented. Oh, I feel I’m a genius…in a way. It’s only myself who appreciates what I write, what I do, what I think. No one understands me, I think. And even I don’t understand myself sometimes. I compare myself to Bubble Boy sometimes, the boy who was placed inside a giant glass so that he won’t be harmed because he doesn’t have an immune system. I think unconsciously I had put my very own bubble glass around me when I was little. Yes you can’t see it but I can feel it. I got shield, man! Or so I thought. I’m numb. I’m heartless. I’m pokerfaced.

I envy those who can say whatever they want to say. Feel what they are feeling. Act what they feel like acting. I’m not that type. I’m well-guarded. Too shielded even I can’t penetrate me. I think I’m sort of pathetic. I can’t say what’s on my mind. I all keep it to myself. I don’t cry all the time. The most upsetting thing could only make me cry…or the funniest thing, too. Yeah, I’m pathetic. I can’t sympathize for myself but for Edward Cole and Carter Chambers I could cry for them. Even I felt for Grace when her dad Harry decided to save the world. It sounds pathetic enough for me for I can cry because of those movies but not for myself!

I hate myself when I don’t respond well. I don’t like it when I don’t speak when I should. I even more abhor me when I don’t treat people nicely. I don’t care what people around me think when I shoo them away.

Would you please help me say what I write? Would you please burst my bubble for me? Would you please let me make my own saddest movie ever so I could cry for myself? Would you please slap my face when I hurt someone?

I badly need that. It might wake me up from my own dreamland and walk through the roads of real life.

----

Sana scripted na lang ang buhay. ‘Yun bang alam mo na kung ano ang sasabihin mo, ikikilos mo, kanino mo sasabihin at kung anong emosyon ba dapat ang ipakita mo. Sana pelikula na lang ang buhay. ‘Yun bang may director na sasabihan ka kung paano mo idedeliver ang line mo. Saang mata mahuhulog ang luha mo. Kung gaano kalakas ang itatawa mo.

Ang hirap kasi kapag hindi mo na alam ang gagawin mo sa buhay. Kung saan ba patungo ang biyaheng ito. Ang hirap din kasi ikaw lang ang nakakaintindi sa sarili. Pero ang mas masaklap pa kapag hindi mo na nga alam ang gagawin mo, hindi mo pa kilala ng lubusan ang sarili mo.

Siguro lahat tayo naranasan na ‘to. ‘Yung feeling na para ka ng nasa dead end. Nahaharap ka sa isang pader na alam mong wala ng mayroon sa kabilang banda. No choice ka kasi kailangan mo na naman bumalik para subukan ang ibang daan.

Minsan, hindi lang pala minsan. Madalas naiisip ko pwede na lang ba akong mawala dito sa lugar na ‘to? Gusto kong umalis dito at pumunta sa ibang lugar. Sana makapaglakbay ako. Hahanapin ko ang sarili ko. Baka wala dito sa Pampanga.
“Nawawala ako. Palutang-lutang lang. Bahala na kung saan ako dalhin ng hangin.”

clouded mind, restless soul.

My friend had shared me this, “You know they say that Jesus is the driver of our vehicle, you heard that? But I disagree. I think WE are the driver of our own life.”

Oh yeah, that’s right. Just like what I always say, it’s your choice don’t blame it on destiny.

My friend also shared this experience to me where she had reflected on what’s going on with her life.

She’s with her boyfriend, riding on a jeepney. She’s just right behind the driver’s back when suddenly she noticed the lines on the road. It might be enticing to look at how the jeep glides through the road but suddenly she had realized something. That is we are the driver of our own jeep. We got so many roads to take. Sometimes you’ll drive smoothly. But sometimes you also get bumpy rides.

You see, it’s your own choice whether you’ll steer the wheel on that direction or on the opposite course. You call the shots on whether you’ll take the long ride or the short one. You can’t blame others when you reach a dead end. You have the choice on whether you’ll get stuck in that corner or reverse your gears and take another route.

I personally believe that God has laid down as much roads as we can have to choose but it’s our own preference on which roads you will take. He has your guidance all the way.

And because of all of these realizations, my friend and I came with this: we think our life is going nowhere. No sense at all. I thought I was just the one who’s thinking this way but surprisingly, she’s experiencing this too.

My life got no meaning suddenly. It’s becoming a routine. You sleep, you wake up, you eat, you watch. I mean, where’s the sense of all of these?

Even on Sundays, my favorite day of the week, it’s becoming less and less fruitful. Four years ago every time I go to the church, there’s this excitement that again I’ll be able to serve God in my own way. But now, ashamed and alarmed as I was, I’m beginning to think that my relationship with God is coming to that thin thread where faith is already slipping. I don’t like that! I mean, I’m afraid if that will happen. It’s as if it’s all becoming a habit. No deeper feelings attached.

I have chaotic mind and heart this past few weeks but I’m keeping myself all numb. I don’t want to think! I don’t want to feel it! And suddenly I don’t know myself anymore. I don’t understand myself anymore, too. I don’t know if I could get all of these off my chest. I’m not good in expressing myself. My friend told me if I don’t understand myself, how would I understand somebody else? It’s just like you can’t love another person if you wouldn’t love yourself first.

Now I’m beginning to think on how to find myself amidst all these. My friend again told me that sometimes we wouldn’t find ourselves here, where we grew up. I now think of going somewhere else. I want to travel in order to find myself.

I enjoy walking by myself; it may be in the mall or on my way home. That process helps me to be self aware. I think more. I battle with my inner self. But I don’t think it’s enough.

I want to find myself. I want to seek my purpose. I want to know if I’m going anywhere. I need to get together with God again. Maybe in the future I would just give the wheel to Jesus and just go with Him. He knows everything. I’m in the safe hands.

what if?

what if i've gone to places?
what if i've seen the world?
will it open my heart,my eyes?
or will i be disappointed 'cause it's not what i thought it was?

what if i've walked through life?
what if i've traveled by feet?
will the path i'm choosing will lead me to that place?
or will it drag me to a dead end?

what if i swam the sea?
what if i dive and glide with the dolphins?
will it bring me to a calm river?
or will its wave splash me to the sharks?
what if i've flew in the skies?
what if i've soared with the birds?
will the air bring me to a nest?
or will the wind blows and turn into a hurricane?

what if i've floated in the space?
what if i dangle there like the stars?
will i found my own galaxy?
or will i stay in the nothingness forever?

contrary and beyond

Life above the earth and beneath the heavens
Simple truths turn to complicated lies
Tranquility felt, clatter now sensing
Organized then chaos.

Antonyms, every experiences
Closed eyes, open and wondering later
Smile afterward, then frown the next
Sitting like no other, get bored and walk away.

Contradicting beings
North and the south of the magnet
The east and west of the compass
Intersection point guaranteed.

Difficult pulling strings together
Maximized effort required
Best tool? Center of entirety
Knowing from within
This beginning to end meeting middle.

moon of the sun.

He is the sun.

I am the moon.

He can shine on his own.

I could do with his brightness.

He has his own warmth.

I need his heat.

He is conspicuous.

I can be concealed.

He is vast.

I am little.

He is everything.

And I am nothing.

Without him, I won’t exist.

Without me, he can live.

Isn’t pathetic?

He exists fairly on his own.

He can survive without aid.

When every part of me screams for his protection.

Every gist of my subsistence calls for him.

I am just his shadow.

And never will I be his light.

He will always be my sun.

And forever will I be the moon.

The Moon, not entirely his.

And the Sun, selfishly mine.

inevitable, i guess.

They say life is full of twists.

You go right; it will bring you to the opposite direction.

You go forward, but it seems it drags you back.

It’s as if no matter what you do, no matter how you try, it won’t let you go to that path you want without facing the worst.

Without you feeling hopeless.

Sometimes life will make you experience every possible wrong turns.

Yet, many will find their way back.

Many will discover the right track.

But some will get stranded.

Some will be trying to move ahead but can’t go on.

Yes, life is so curious.

It can bring sufferings, it can also bring injustice.

But these must not be the reasons to stop, to give up.

It can be difficult, it can be chaotic.

Someone must be strong.

Someone must be able to bounce back.

Someone must know the rhythm of the song, the steps of the dance, and the lines of the poem.

Someone must be able to follow the current of the river.

For all of these have to happen.

For people to understand their existence.

For them to finally reach the ends of the world.

And for them to finally be at the place they ever dreamed of.

---sheilalyndatu---

“The clouds are rivers that already know the sea.”—The Valkyries, Paulo Coelho

exhibit A of a fickle minded person.

I despise getting emotional. Really. The bitterness, the pain. As much as possible I don't want to feel any of them. Or if feasible, not to feel anything at all.

You’re probably saying to yourself as you read this that if I really hate those things, why am I providing this "emoness" then? hah! I really don't know. I can be charlatan sometimes you know.

I don't know if this has something to do with my being 19 already. I’m pressuring myself to do extreme things, those things outside of my box, to make the most out of my last teenage year. Oh yes, I want to know my confines and surpass the expectations of the people around me. I don't want to think that I was born to feel pressured, to think that others are expecting too much from me. Hell! Give me a break. I’m not a cyborg you know, or a robot! I’m just a young lady. I want to do things on my own will. I want to be familiar with myself even more. I want to experience the bliss of a teen life! I don't want to come to a point wherein I will regret the things that I didn't do in the time when I should have done them.

Enough of the pressure things.

Let’s talk about what I want to do this year. Hope I’ll be able to accomplish them and certainly I wish that there'll be someone or some persons who will help me in order to attain them. These are :

a. I want to ride a roller coaster! And any rides that will make my heart pump faster or maybe make it stop! haha.
b. I want to go places. I want to climb the Arayat or Pinatubo. I want to experience island hopping. ahihi.
c. I want to experience night life with my friends! drink anything until I pass out! haha. 'kidding. and go home before dawn! hahaha!
d. I want to love and be loved. haha! naks!

that's all I can think of right now. but I really want to do things that are out of my character.

oh wait. how come I came up to this point of sharing my goals this year?
I thought I will write about something of the plummeting thing. the falling in love thing. the pain and bitterness associated with it. haha. I guess I diverted myself unconsciously. that's because I don't like melodramas right? aha. but really, the whole point of this blog entry is to share my inmost feeling about falling and maybe failing again.

(hello, shey, you haven't done anything yet! you can't say that you'll fail again! you must be successful on this one!)

argh, I’m losing myself here already. I think I better stop this or else...

Pardon me. I’m a little bit crazy right now. haha.

reminiscing 2008

january
the most significant event that happened in this month was on january 31st. the day before my first ever quiz bee. i was with jeyen then. we strolled around villa teresa. before we went out of the subdivision,we were holding hands already. i won't forget that day. though i thought it will be our last memory together.

february
february 1- quizbee, COME, Lyceum of the Philippines. we won the first place!
february 7- my 18th birthday. my family surprised me by organizing a party. they worked with my g4.
february 14- celebrated valentine's day with april, jeph, and warren at mcdonald's.

march
march 11- pdpr culminating activity

april
april 18-19, fontana. my first ----.

may
i think ivan and i's tampuhan started in this month.

june
anything happened in this month? i don't remember.

july
july 7- warren and i settled our differences
july 15- our farewell text--jeyen and i.

august
august 18-ivan and i became okay. lester and i became textmates.

september
september 11-mansoc induction.
september 17-finma tour-pse,trinoma

october
october 21-22- subic getaway--oceanview,zoobic safari. with luisa, lester, darcy, teresa, janice, nisell, and eric.

november
november 15-bea celebrated her 18th birthday at Lewis Grand Hotel.

december
december 6- baguio fieldtrip
december 13-i saw chris tiu!

my prince with his shiny black volvo

if bella swan has edward cullen, a vampire with a shiny silver volvo, hey people, i don't care!
as i have my very own basketball hero: Chris Tiu, a dreamboy with a sleek black volvo!

oh my. i'm soo happy i saw him even if i didn't get a picture with him.
but who's complaining? i still got the chance to take a glimpse of him eventhough i didn't went to Manila just to see him. he went here in our school. i'm frustrated though because i didn't hear him speak. based on the guard that i asked, he made some talk in one of our buildings, san francisco de javier at the fourth floor with i don't know who the audience is. haay. sad.
but still i got a video of him as he made his way to his volvo car. haha.

when he arrived, i didn't realize it was him who got out of the car. he's so simple. gush.
i playfully thought that i should have been bumped by him so we can get contact. but then, i'm not that type of girl. i admire him yes but i won't do anything stupid just to catch his attention. i respect him so much. i know he values his privacy. but i just can't help to take a video of him. some sort of a remembrance for me.

i hope i'll be seeing him for the next days of my life. i'll be contented just by looking at him. he has a calming effect on me. oh my, but my knees buckled when i first saw him. as if all of my energy were suck out of me. hahaha!


i won't forget this day.
december 13,2008.
he arrived at around 9:30 am and he left 11:30 am i guess.

so there. my first encounter of my dreamboy.


*yeah,for many i am so baduy. haha. i don't care!


---lingling. c;

i give up!

i give up on him na...

it's the most rational and logical thing to do.

yeah,i know I'm super weak...


haay.

about my last entry pala.
i know i suck at poetry!
gush.
ahaha.

well, i will see chris tiu naman tomorrow.
he's gonna visit our school.
so excited.
aha!

it's my best friend's debut today. but we can't get to be with her on this special day.
so sad...

but well. Happy Birthday, Sheen'Sheen!

c;

random poems/entries while sitting in our primar class.

it's a place i can't fathom
a sudden feeling i can't control
i might be insane at this moment
i don't know if i want to fall

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
my only problem is whenever i tend to like someone deeper,
something would surely make me hold back from flourishing that
feelings to something much much deeper.
(do i make sense?har)


--being so.so confused if i will continue this feelings i have for him--

he's as bright as the moon
when darkness fill in
you may see him or you may not
he's so unreachable
as any stars could be

-----------------------------------------------
he's the sun
i am a meteorite in space
every planet revolves around him
and so do i

i can't go near him
i might burn myself
i can't stay away from him
i need his warmth

he's special
i am a waste
he's very much needed
when i am not much of a help

we are in the same place
yet we function differently
he's so important
and i will be spending my life unnoticed.

--just for him. i always feel that i am not good enough for him. *sigh*

Ambiguous

she's boring
she's dry
she's moody
yet i don't know why

she's bubbly
she's sweet
she's a darling
but sometimes runs deep

she's a mess
she's complicated
she couldn't care less
though now she's wondering

she thought she know herself
she thought forever she can be like this
but now she's confused
if ever she'll find happiness soon.


--------------------------------------

for the record, i've never felt happiness in my entire life
sure there are happy moments where i laughed all the time
yet i know deep down inside of me, there lies an empty space needed to be filled.

--------------------------------------

sometimes i want to be a child sleeping in the street
all she ever mind is how to survive the day
she doesn't care about people around her as long she's gotten help from them
i wish i'm the one just receiving and not thinking what i must give in return.

--not being so contented with what's happening in my life now.--

Dearest

he's my dearest
'cause he's the only one who had dig a deep hole in my heart
he may not know this
but he left a big imprint in my life.

i want to call him my dearest
'cause he's the first person i tend to care for the rest of my existence
he may not like it
but it's the only dream i've ever hoped.

he can't be my dearest as long as i live
'cause i want to find somebody else that will make me feel loved
he may never care
but i know i'm better off without him.

--for my first love. hahaha. --






and so, that was it. i didn't listen on what my teacher is babbling. i just keep on writing and writing. i don't know. i feel a little bit left out.


--ling'ling--
october 6, 2008

a new one?perhaps...hope so?ahw.

i'm suddenly thinking more and more often about him.
he's another guy but i don't think he's just any other guy.
he's my only guy classmate in college that had really intimidated me. i don't know why it's like that.

as the day goes by, i find him more intriguing. i might not know him better, but i just think and think and think. i'm really confused.

i'm beginning to like someone that i don't want to like!

last night, he's on my dream. maybe that's because i thought of him before i went to sleep. gush, what's happening to me? grr.

i don't know what will become of this. i must not think about it. come what may.


go,girl! c;

august 31, 2006.sunday.

a day that must have been a relaxing day after a week of exams became a heart wrecking day.

i received a news, a grave news which drained my happiness and energy.

it feels like a bomb just exploded in front of me, destroying my moving on process.

i don't understand. i really don't get it. why is it like this? whenever i start to move on, really let go, there will be a hindrance that will stop me from letting go. and what i had learned on this day really shook my foundation that i already made upon moving on.

i despise him a lot. yet, i think i still love him. my friend told me it might be just a psychological thing--my love for him. maybe i don't really love him anymore. i just think that i still love him. yeah,maybe i can agree. but i don't know. the more i try to forget him, the more there'll be some instances which will refrain me from doing it.

he's free again. he made a decision quite hurtful for the other girl. why does he do these things to all of us? i didn't fight for my rights--my rights of knowing what really his intentions are. he can't say a thing about me blaming him of everything that hadhappened to me. but he still owe the other girl an explanation. he has to explain. he must!

when i found out that he's free again, the first thing that really came to my mind is that, well, there's a hope that we can be together. but i erase this from my mind. it's silly. and when i found out his reasons, i suddenly felt sorry for the other girl and it really pissed me off that his reasons are so,so lame. he got no right to do those things to her. that's unfair. he's always unfair!

as i think about all of the things that he has done, the hurt and pain he embedded on me, i suddenly realize how selfish he became. he only think of himself, his happiness, his freedom! he never thought of what might i feel. what might i think about him and about myself as well. he's really bias. uncaring.

gush, i've finally let these out. i always deny these things to myself.

--"through rigorous studying i can escape from the hurtful world he put me into." *sheilaling*

why august 18, 2008 is a happy day?

I thought August 18, 2008 will be such an ordinary day given that it's a holiday. (though i have to finish doing my assignment in oblico and reviewing for the long test.)

But, it became a wonderful day for me when one of my best friends reminded us that it is our 3rd Anniversary as a barkada! Woah! I totally forgot that it is August 18, 2005 when we made a contract for our story and we all signed it. Oh, that was so fun.
And that's it. An important date for us the Go Go Galaxy Girls.
I love you so, my girls! muah!


Another good thing that had happened in this day was that, my "ex-crush" and I became textmates na! Haha! He said I am cute. Haha! So laret. hahahaha!


Then, the most important event that had happened for this day was when my best friend(my dear) texted me and he wants to make ammends. That was the best holiday gift ever! And so, we're okay na. Back in each other's arms na. Awh. Never felt this great. I miss that guy sooo much. And he missed me too! Haha!

*another thing that made me happy is when I saw Tiu in his new TV show. waah! I'll get to watch him once a week since I can't watch his games and his other show. haha.
*i got my new haircut too! at ystilo salon.haha.

This day is really a blessing. I can't ask for more. Thank you my Lord. muah!

..shey..

August 03, 2008 Sunday

For me, a heartfelt mass comes to me rarely. Or should I say, it is just once in a while for me to enjoy and really learn from a mass. As being a choir member, I seldom feel that I’m really into what I sing. Shame, but I don’t often experience such a wonderful mass wherein I really listen in the homily and sing with my whole heart on it for God. Yeah, I’m ashamed of being like that sometimes. I always ask God for his forgiveness about all these things. *sigh*

A great factor maybe for this is the diversion my mind creates, and so as my fellow choir mates. We usually chitchat about our week whenever the priest is doing his homily. Shame on us, don’t you think? Awh.

But the rare heartfelt mass that I was mentioning came to me unexpectedly last August 03, 2008. I don’t know but maybe because of the celebrant of the mass which is my favorite priest ever, I settled myself to listen to the whole mass, participate on it, and sing as if I’m not the one who’s singing. It is a great mass indeed. I learned so many things and I felt that God is beside me, listening to my song for him. I don’t even care if I sang the wrong notes.

The priest asked us about on what we usually want to find. Money? Work? Our other half? No. it must not be like that, he said. He mentioned that what we must really find is freedom. But then, what is freedom for us? Doing what we want? Going to the place we want? No. Not really like that I think. From what he said, find freedom. You are free when you can do what you have to do. Right, isn’t it? We must not do what we just want. We are not free then. You just make those things that you want to do but you don’t have to act that way necessarily. Personally, I think I’m not free. Why? Oh, just because I cannot perform things that I have to do. I know that I need to help people in my own way but I just can’t bring up myself to accomplish it because I think I don’t have the means. And so on, and so on…

Next, find joy. Find happiness in others. Surely, you’ll be happy also. You cannot discover happiness only with yourself. Have you ever saw a person who has this big smile and sparkling eyes you can’t help but smile, too? Did you ever experience to see an elated group of people and suddenly you also feel you can jump for joy and join their feast? Oh, maybe I did experience it once or twice. But I think it’ll be great if every time I’m sad I will encounter one person who can erase my sadness.

And lastly, seek God, the true happiness and peace. Find Him at the bottom of our hearts and everything will be okay. He’s our only refuge. When you can’t find anyone else to turn to, find Him. Call Him in the middle of your darkness. Surely, He won’t turn you down. He’s the only reliable one. I do this, really. Whenever I feel alone, I’ll just talk to Him. I know He listens and that gives me comfort.

He ended the mass with his usual "assignment" that we must do for the week. And that is we must do our bucket list. Hm. I wrote 10. But I can't help but write and write more. haha.

After that mass, it elevated my feelings. I felt light. I hope I’ll experience this every Sunday. It’s a great feeling.

--shey--

just a tumble of my thoughts...

a lot of things had been going around my life now. they all seem so new to me. it's as if, i know they exist but i didn't expect that i'll encounter them. they cloud my mind. i can't think straight about them, or should i say about just one of them. i am even afraid of thinking about it. it's a worry. they are my worries.
and here they are:

+i can't decide if i'll challenge myself on having a boyfriend or just stick to my studies. there's weighing of options here. pros and cons.
--if i'll have him as a boyfriend, it'll be something of an experience for me in my college life which my friends consistently trying to make me do it. but if i don't, they'll think and subconsciously i can say that yes, maybe i'll miss half of my college life if i won't have boyfriend during these days of my life. but then again, i don't think i can handle such situation. who or what will i prioritize? him or my studies? yeah, i know it must be my studies. so what's the point of asking? but then there is this what they call balancing of priorities. yeah right. i don't know if i know how to do that. hell. *sigh*

+another thing: the incoming induction night of our organization. it's a lot of work, yes. but i don't think i do much about it. i mean, it's as if i can't do anything about it. only my other officers are working. where's my contribution then? i think of myself useless. i also think that we'll gonna screw this up because our advisers have so much to say about our preparation, coordination, and communication. i always think, don't you think! harhar. i'm losing my head here.

+next is about my grades. hell, but i'm becoming a grade maniac. what's been happening to me? har. but i can't blame myself. there's so many of them that expect i can make it again this time. but another part of me says that why should i think about them? okay, i'll set them aside. but what about my self disappointment? a dilemma in here again. but come on! why do i have to think this way?! this is just sooo.

+then another one is my not being exactly a friend to my barkada. i don't know. i hardly see and be with them now. i'm even having a hard time opening up with them. waah! what's been happening to me? but i guess, this is another point in my life wherein i have to experience all these things just to make it to the next step. i love my friends, i really do. but sometimes i just don't think i'm worthy of their friendship.

+ah! another big hit! there's this someone older than me and older than my aunt whom i feel he's attracted to me! to think i just see him as a big brother. awh, he's becoming annoying and persistent. i don't think i must say rude things about him considering he had done so much for me, which is more alarming! i don't know if i'm just assuming or there's really something that can be of evidence in my theory. argh! i don't like this. i don't feel that i can handle that situation. i mean, hello? but then again, my friends tell me, "why not?" yeah right, why not...why not kayo dian! hahaha.

maybe i just think too much to the point of thinking something of no importance. maybe i'm wrong about my presumptions, more on the latter part that i've mention i guess.

haay. this is such a stressful period of my life. i just don't want to worry myself about them. what will come, will come. one day at a time.

...=)

'shey

-these are my bestfriends. we are the galaxy girls!
that's me, the first in line.
then it's lea, erika,sheen,em and tin!
c;
miss them so much. awh,

first ever adobe image. ahaha. c;

too novice? haha.
i intend to improve. c;

the real moving on...

This is it. The moment I’ve been waiting. It’s also the time that I’ve been dreading to come. I’ve waited for this because I’m already trapped in my past. I’m dreading it because I still hope that we can be “us”.
But all the same, we’re over. It started when i texted him:


John nicole. Balu ku mimwa ka. Hay. Eku balu ot mipakanyan pa. Wa, atin kung kasalanan nia manyad kung tawad. Sorry talaga. Balu ku gang kanita pa etana talaga maging friends. Marakal ng melyari. Nung apanasakit daka, mas apanasakitan mu ku dating dati pa. buri ku ng mayari ini. Sorry talaga.
Good luck namu keka. may God bless you.
12:15:45 am 15.07.08


And his reply was:


G0odm0rning, sensya enaku mekapagreply nabengi..Ma2d2d nku knta... Ekuman buring malyari ini, pero palage ku ini ing dapat.. Balu ku madagul a madagul ing kasalanan ku keka, a bigger s0rry 4 u... Mas marakal nku kasalanan keka eh! ika n ring sinabi n buri munang mayari ini, hmm,,honestly, aku dn...though awkward man para kaku na itxt dka eku balu bt gagawan ku, pero siguru apin namu ini ing paralan dat wud set us free... I'm sorry and at d same tym i thank y0u 4 d thngs i've learned... Thank y0u kc nung ala ka, cguru aku p rn itang dating jeyen, ngeni s0ring maragul kc kylangan k png manasakit bayu ku mabyasa... Though meyari tamu mang makanini atleast with0ut leaving us blank, we're better... Balu ku masakit kalingwan ing eganagana, don't wori i'll do my part so us to 4get evrythng.. Last text kune keka ini, sana ituring muneng pr0per closure ini 4 us to m0ve on.. Don't wori God is g0od mkaganti k rn...heheü thank you very much! Pakigreet pala i ivan... tnxü Haay,, mkaba neh, ala nku asabi bsta fr0m d b0tt0m of my heart i'm so s0o sorry... Take care and God bLess... tsk..tsk..tsk.. ö^_^ö
10:19:17 am 15.07.08


And my last reply was:


atin kupang buring abalu mu. Pero sguru blu mu naman. Liguran dakang malambat. Eku blu bkt, bsta mknta.
Ngeni, goodluck namu. I wish for your happiness. Buri ku pg akakit dka ing aalala kumu dng msyang mem0ries.
Goodluck kekyung caril. Haha. O kung ninu man. Emu na palyaring mkpnskt kpa.
Mingat lagi. God bless you.
10:32:28 am 15.07.08


And that was it. This is the reality. The real turning point of my life. I've loved him for so long. But all I got were heartaches and of course unforgettable experiences. And I have to tell myself that this is the most favorable time to move on because I can no longer hope that maybe someday we can be together. Because we're sooo over now. The most beautiful and painful chapter of my life is now officially closed. :(

Well, I know I can get by. GO!