august 31, 2006.sunday.

a day that must have been a relaxing day after a week of exams became a heart wrecking day.

i received a news, a grave news which drained my happiness and energy.

it feels like a bomb just exploded in front of me, destroying my moving on process.

i don't understand. i really don't get it. why is it like this? whenever i start to move on, really let go, there will be a hindrance that will stop me from letting go. and what i had learned on this day really shook my foundation that i already made upon moving on.

i despise him a lot. yet, i think i still love him. my friend told me it might be just a psychological thing--my love for him. maybe i don't really love him anymore. i just think that i still love him. yeah,maybe i can agree. but i don't know. the more i try to forget him, the more there'll be some instances which will refrain me from doing it.

he's free again. he made a decision quite hurtful for the other girl. why does he do these things to all of us? i didn't fight for my rights--my rights of knowing what really his intentions are. he can't say a thing about me blaming him of everything that hadhappened to me. but he still owe the other girl an explanation. he has to explain. he must!

when i found out that he's free again, the first thing that really came to my mind is that, well, there's a hope that we can be together. but i erase this from my mind. it's silly. and when i found out his reasons, i suddenly felt sorry for the other girl and it really pissed me off that his reasons are so,so lame. he got no right to do those things to her. that's unfair. he's always unfair!

as i think about all of the things that he has done, the hurt and pain he embedded on me, i suddenly realize how selfish he became. he only think of himself, his happiness, his freedom! he never thought of what might i feel. what might i think about him and about myself as well. he's really bias. uncaring.

gush, i've finally let these out. i always deny these things to myself.

--"through rigorous studying i can escape from the hurtful world he put me into." *sheilaling*