o ako na ang nasasaktan. ikaw na ang nagmamahal. ikaw ng masaya.  di ka naman dating ganiyan. di mo naman pinagsisigawan sa buong mundo na gusto/mahal mo ang isang tao. marahil ngayon totoo ang nararamdaman mo. masaya ako para sa'yo. di ko lang maiwasang maapektuhan. naku. isang kagagahan na naman ito. hindi maaari. last na 'to, promise. masaya ka na. magsasaya na lang din ako para sa'yo. byeee.

I miss this. I wish I'm his and he's mine. LOLJK. We're so pangit here. And we're really sleeping here and don't have any idea that this picture was taken. This was last September 10, 2009. We are the only 4th year students in that tour of the 3rd years. Such an experience.

Sip a little kindness

All the goodness you have done will affect the universe--the people around you. So the next time you do something awful, think many times. The karma is always just around the corner, ready to strike back.

The Darkness Under

I thought of you as my underworld. Beneath the seas, away from everything. You are my underworld. This is our world.

missing friends...

highschool friends,they say, are the best friends you'll ever had. i agree.

liberty

i've always wanted to be free. like that of a bird who swiftly soar through the endless space above. wind whipping through its wings. like that of a bird who just trusts his instincts on where to fly and rest. like a that bird doesn't need someone to take care of him but still survives. i've always wanted to do things on my own. go out at night and party with some friends, drink as many as i can until i pass out and drive around town feeling the liberty of the air going past my face.

i've always wanted to roam around alone. without someone by my side to accompany my journey. i've always wanted to do things on my own.


some realizations that i have processed these past few days:

seize the moment when it had finally cross your path and don't let it go!

do not be surprised on how things turn out in a day because you must remember that you're on a roller coaster ride.

not all people wants to be with you; they just use you to be their accessory.

if he doesn't like you now, he never will. it goes to show that you're not enough for him.

many people are bounded by their traditions and values. and no one can infiltrate that.

gossip take 5

okay. it has been a long time since the last juicy gossip about a girl's love life. so here's the thing. i had a lot of catching up time with her and she told me so much about the past, new, and some other random guys she could think of. so here it goes:


the new guy, she told me, wasn't the one she first noticed. she had seen the new guy on their 2nd year in College but the universe conspired and so on their 3rd year, they were in the same block section. she wasn't interested in him in a deeper level. she just know this is the guy her classmate had a crazy crush on. that was it. but she had a thing on one of the new guy's best friends. she was attracted to him. just like that. the other best friend was more approachable than the other two. he was the one who spoke to her first (you're --- right?). then she begun to think that maybe they could be friends. days passed, the girl still having 'secret' crush with the new guy's best friend (L). then one day, one of her friends dropped by her room to give her book back when suddenly the new guy talked to her friend. obviously they've known each other for a long time already. she told me she could still remember the first sentence he(New) said pertaining to her. "is she your girl friend?". and the girl was like defensive and said no. 


she couldn't still get over with the crush thing. but one afternoon it changed. it's their last period (start of midterms) and their professor changed their seating arrangements. she said, squealing, to me that she landed on the seat next to the new guy. and they had the same shade of color of their shirts! the new guy was so talkative. haha. but, later on, they had to separate ways because of their poor eyesight (they were seated at the back). 
she told me she doesn't know when she had really liked the person. he was intelligent, talkative, full of life, smart, and way out of her league because he's a 100% Chinese. but he's still a good friend she could talk to, mostly about their lessons. she thinks she had a connection with him. she only meets someone like him once in a while.

they became friends. had common friends. she had forgotten the crush she had with L. the other best friend was close and sweet to her. but she could only think of the new guy now. 
maybe at some point they had felt the same way towards each other. there was, as the girl had told me, a time when the new guy held her hand but after some seconds, she let go of his hands. she's a bit shy but frustratingly, she admitted to me that if given a chance, she would hold that hand forever. 


at some point they had some off moments. they would not text that much to each other. they rarely hang out together. there was some ilangan and all. 


but this is the juiciest gossip ever. they had kissed each other already. but sadly, it wasn't the sweet-love kiss. they just had to do it because of a bet. and it had been so long since they've had the connection. it's as if along the way they have lost each other. but she said, they still talk about things once in a while. she could still confide in him. like he's some shock absorber in her life. but that was only that. nothing more. and never will it become more.


another juicy gossip--this crush guy had wanted to kiss her one time-the same time the new guy and the girl had their first kiss. that was one hella problem if the guy had succeeded in making the girl kiss him. i'm so proud of you girl for not giving in to temptation cause that jerk has a girl friend already! 


all about the kiss was not known by the other best friend, the sweet, approachable guy. every one thinks they could be together. but it just won't happen. not now anyway. 


the only wish the girl could think of, she shared to me, is that she wishes one day she'll be kissing someone out of love and not because of any other reason.


NOTE TO THE GIRL:
*don't lose hope girl. i know for sure there will come a time that you'll be kissing your own prince. 
*forget about the crush guy, he's unhealthy. and i'm proud of what you've done! Go Girl!
*the sweet guy, however, i don't  know. i think just see what are the possibilities.


PS. this girl had shared to me that she's texting with someone today. she don't know. she hasn't met him yet. but this i could tell, take a chance girl!


oh so long, dears! i'll be back!
--S(:

Kapag sigurong wala kang alam tungkol  sa buhay, mawawalan din ng pakialam ang buhay sa’yo. Hindi  mo damang nabubuhay ka. Hindi mo damang may kabuluhan ang buhay. Kalian ka mabubuhay? Kailan magkakaroon ng kabuluhan? Matagal ko nang hinihintay mabuhay. Hindi lamang humihinga kundi nabubuhay. Matagal ko nang hinihintay na magkaroon ng dahilan ang buhay. Ang magkaroon ng pakialam ang buhay sa akin. Kaya naman nang dumating siya, kay saya. Sa unang pagkakataon sa buhay ko nabuhay ako. Nabuhayan ako ng loob na nagkakaroon na ng pakialam ang mundo sa akin. Na magkakaroon na akong silbi sa buhay na binigay sa akin.

Hindi ko natatandaan kung paano ako napadpad sa lugar kung saan ko siya nakita. Iniisip ko lang kung paanong mabuhay habang naglalakad sa kalyeng puno ng taong umaasam ding mabuhay. May dala siyang bulaklak. Isang tangkay ng lily. Hindi ko pa noon nalalaman kung para saan ang bulaklak o kung para kanino. Tangan-tangan lang niya, pinakatitigan ito. Hindi bagay sa kanya na may dalang bulaklak. Para sa isang rakistang tulad niya, parang hindi nababagay sa kanya ang pagiging romantiko. Hindi ko pa noon nalalamang sa kabila nang pormang iyon, isa lang din siyang katulad ko. Nangangarap din siya ng buhay, ngunit hindi para sa sarili. Matagal na itong namatay pagkatapos lumisan ang ina.

Hindi ko siya nilapitan noong araw na iyon. Pinagmasdan ko lang siya. Hawak ang bulaklak na iyon, tinatanaw nito ang kahabaan ng kalye na para bang nagtataka kung hanggang saan ang layo nito. Kung may hangganan nga ba ito. Maaari ring hinahalintulad nito ang buhay sa kalyeng yun. Mahaba, walang hanggan. Pero may hahadlang para maabot ang dulo. Kung saan lang ang kayang lakarin ay doon lang. At gaya ng mga taong nasa kalye, ganoon din karami ang mga taong lalampasan mo. Mahaba man, paminsan ay kailangan ding huminto para makilala ang mga taong nakakasalubong mo.

Paano ko ito nalaman? Sinabi niya sa akin. Araw-araw ko siyang pinagmamasdan sa kalyeng iyon. Araw-araw akong bumabalik sa lugar na iyon sa parehong oras. At parehong eksena lang din ang nakikita ko. Hinihintay kong ring umalis siya. Umaalis lang siya kapag wala nang tao sa kalye. Maliban ako na nagkukubli sa isang poste. Bago siya lumilisan, pakakatitigan muna niya ang hangganan ng kalye kung saan wala nang bahid ng mga tao. Iniisip niya marahil na ganoon talaga ang buhay. Minsan aabot ka rin sa puntong mawawala ang lahat sa’yo. Ang pinakamadilim na parte ng buhay mo.

Paano ko ito nalaman? Sinabi niya sa akin. Ang pinakamalungkot na bahagi ng buhay niya ay katulad ng madilim at walang taong kalye na iyon. Mahaba, nakakatakot. Hindi man niya sabihin alam kong natatakot siyang pagtalikod niya at pagbalik niya ganoon pa rin ang nararamdaman niya.

Pero isang araw nagbago ang lahat. Dahil nagkaroon na ako ng lakas ng loob na lapitan siya. Nagulat ito dahil sa tagal-tagal ba naman ng pagpunta niya sa lugar na iyon, ngayon pa lang may pumansin sa kanya. Hindi niya masisi ang mga tao. Pag minsan talaga wala silang pakialam sa paligid. Niyaya ko siyang magkape sa may malapit. Noong una ay ayaw nito. Hindi pa tapos ang gabi. Hindi pa umaalis ang mga tao. Hindi pa madilim. Hindi pa siya nag-iisa. Pero may sinabi akong nagpabago ng isip niya. “Hindi lahat ng tao gaya ng iniisip mo. Hindi lahat ng iniisip mo sa buhay ay totoo. May taong papansin sa’yo kahit gaano pa kagulo ang buhay mo. Kahit hindi pa kalmado ang lahat sa buhay mo. Mayroong magliligtas sa’yo at iaalis ka sa kaguluhan ng buhay. At sabay ninyong mapagtatantong sa buhay na nagpupumilit kang makatakas, mayroong taong magbibigay sa’yo nang rasong manatili. Kahit gaano pa kabagsik ng mundo sa’yo.”

Hindi man siya naging madali noong una, sa bawat araw na nagdadaan natulungan namin ang isa’t isa. Sino ba namang mag-aakalang ang dalawang taong naghahanap ng kabuluhan ng buhay ay magtatagpo. Minsan ang tadhana talaga ay mapagbiro. Isipin mo na lang na may magandang plano sa buhay mo. Mabubuhay ka ulit. Kasama mong mabubuhay ang mahal mo. Ang kahulugan ng lahat-lahat sa buhay mo. At sino ka para magreklamo? Ito ang nararapat sa’yo.  Mabubuhay ka rin sa paraang gusto mo, kasama ang taong minamahal mo.

fish and fisherman

the fish glides through the river

it is free and no one disturbs her

her environment is her planet

and she thought, "i am nobody's pet".

but her world isn't hers only

many have claim of it, it's a pity

and so when someone had invaded

she whispered, "i am dead".

the fisherman heaved its fishing equipment

smiling, a bright day, he had meant

he pulled a chair facing the waters

he begin his hunt like nothing else matters

so he started his conquest

and the sun is already on its west

it’s only a matter of time, he said

and soon he will be well-fed

the solitary fish sensed

an invader, now she’s tensed

she needs to avoid, now or never

and she’ll be a prisoner forever

the fisherman had caught the fish

he wants her, he wished

but she struggled to be free

so he let her go, in the waters he will see.

The fish wished she could go back

To the waters that is intact

Because once it’s done, it’s done

The fisherman’s deed and now she’s fond.

...

I see the truth and nothing I could do about it.

It is the truth we seek. We seek so we could understand. We understand so we could live. We live because it’s fate. It’s fate because no one knows.

Nothing happens by chance.

The sun is there because we need its heat. The moon rises because we need the light in the dark. The man breathes because it is what to live. Man and woman get married because that’s how it is.

I am unhappy because I made myself unhappy.

I see the truth and there’s something I’ve got to do to change it.

Sometimes we make the truths turn into lies so we could feel we need nothing to do about anything of it. And there are times we make lies into truths because we want to believe there is something out there that’s meant for us.

The wind blows even it knows nothing on its course. The sand is there even if it’s meant to be trodden on. The rocks are laid upon the earth even if it’s meant to play dead all the time.

We see the truth. And most of the time we could do nothing about it.

There are reasons behind everything.

It is the truth. And no one knows why or how. And I am unhappy because I made myself unhappy. But why did I make myself unhappy? Is there any reason for it? Maybe yes. Certainly yes. Why? I see the truth. And half the time I don’t acknowledge it. 

i now am an official DQ addict! (:

the nature and me

i want to be a part of nature. like a leaf on the tallest tree. the rock on the steepest mountain. the giant wave in an ocean. a worm in the beak of the eagle. a raindrop coming from a dark cloud. i want to be like nature. i want to be appreciated. i want to feel i am part of an ecosystem where no one will survive if something is missing in the cycle. i want to be a part of someone. i guess it is too much to ask for. because everything i wanted wasn't exactly happening right now. there's such a big hole inside my heart, my soul, my whole being. like i am here but i don't know if i got substance. if i am essential.

i want to be a part of nature. and just wait for the wind to blow me.

uncertainties and regrets

we always have to face something confusing. like crossroads and you can't decide which path you would take. i don't know. maybe i've just done the biggest decision of my life so far. i should have an interview yesterday at IBM at 2pm. I don't know if i've put a lot of thinking about it. but it has to be that soon. making decision, i mean. i don't want to regret that decision. i just pray that something great will come along. or i will get a shot of it again sometime in the future.

siya ay siya kasama ako.

hindi nila alam kahit ako

wala kahit sino man ang makakaintindi ng nararamdaman ko dahil kahit ang mismo ang sarili ko ay di ko maintindihan. maraming mga bagay ang sa tingin ko ay kulang sa aking pagkatao. marami akong gustong makita, maramdaman at makuha. pero sadyang ang mga bagay-bagay sa aking kapaligiran ang siyang mismong pumipigil na gawin ko ang mga bagay na gusto ko. sinasabi ng karamihan, "walang dapat makapipigil sa'yo kung talagang nanaisin mo." pero hindi ba kalabisan naman kung iisipin mo lang ang 'yong sarili? paano ang pamilya mo? paano ang mga kaibigan mo? paano ang lahat ng mga taong nagmamahal sa'yo?

hindi madaling hanapin ang mga bagay na nawawala sa buhay mo. marami kang matatapakan. marami kang masasaktan. at hindi malayong pati ang sarili mo ay magdusa dahil ang inaakala mong dapat mong ginagawa ay hindi naman kailangan para sa paglaya ng 'yong sarili.

iniisip ko madalas, bakit ang lupit ng tadhana? sa dinarami-rami ng pwedeng maranasan bakit ang buhay na 'to ang siyang napunta sa'kin? matagal na akong di kontento sa anong mayroon ako. marahil 'yon ang dahilan kung bakit nalulumbay pa rin ako. kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay di pa rin ako maligaya.

hindi ko kayang lumayo upang hanapin ang nawawala. ngunit sa wari ko'y unti-unti ko ng nalilimot kung sino ba talaga ako. gustong-gusto kong hanapin ang mga nawawala at ang mga bagay na sa wari ko'y akin dapat. ngunit ipinapahiwatig ng pagkakataon na hindi pa ito ang takdang panahon. kailan naman kaya, kung ganoon?

sawang-sawa na akong maghintay. subalit para bang iyon lamang ang dapat. marahil ay kailangan ko lamang matutong maging pasensiyosa. siguro ay darating din 'yon. huwag ko lamang pagtuunan ng panahon, dadap na 'yun sa aking mga palad.

what is mine?

i was wondering, as i am sure every girl in this world is: who is my prince charming?

will i be like Elizabeth Bennet who didn't like her Mr. Darcy at first sight?

or will it be like with what had happened with Marianne Dashwood who spent tearful nights because her Mr. Willoughby had actually been engaged to somebody else?

will my prince charming be like Pip who had loved his Estella from the time he set his eyes on her and will do anything just to have her?

or will he be something like Heathcliff who selfishly loved his Catherine to destruction, where death can't take them apart?

every love story here in the world is somehow the same. prince met his princess, something will test their feelings, and they'll just either end up together or not at all. funny how the universe play in our lives.

it's always our choice, destiny is not something we should rely on.
you make your own path. you make your own way to which you'll take.

you should learn to deal with things, muster some courage, say a little prayer. determination.faith.


every human being asks for many things when all they need is one--love.
from the beginning of time, we were taught how to love but it seems not all of us had mastered the art of loving...and being loved.

who then is mine? who is yours? no one knows until they've chance upon it. one great love. do all of people in this world found theirs? what is there to give, what is there to gain? all life story is written by the same hand. what is mine then? what is there to choose from? as all lives being connected, had my someone been tapped on his back and realized there i was, waiting for him?

it has always been waiting. i chose to wait but nothing happened. is that the way of telling me that's not the road? will i choose to act? oh, yes, maybe...i must act. i should.

gossip girl S escapades Ü

March 9th, 2007
gossip. 

gustu ko lang namang magkwento…

may narinig kasi akong tsismis…

gustu ko lang i-share sa inio…

may isang girl daw na sawa na sa pagmamahal sa isang guy. ni hindi nga niya alam kung bakit hanggang ngayon minamahal pa nia ang guy na yun eh. alam naman niang kahit kailan hindi magagawa ng guy na mahalin yung girl. pinaniwala ng girl ang sarili nia na nagustuhan din sia ng guy. pero kahapon daw, na-realize ng girl na ginawa lang niang tanga ang sarili nia dahil kahapon lang nia napagtantong hindi talaga siya nagustuhan ng guy. iba ang approach ng guy sa babaeng gustu nia. nakita nia yun minsan. sa mismong harapan nia pero in-ignore nia. paano naman kasi, gustu pa ring paniwalaan ng girl na nagustuhan talaga sia ng guy. pero wala nga daw taong hindi nagigising sa katotohanan. masakit pero kailangan na daw niang tanggapin ang totoo. na hindi kailanman naging importante at espesyal ang girl sa guy na ion. nang maalala daw ng girl ang care na ipinapakita ng guy sa babaeng gustu nito, kulang na lang manikip ng husto ang dibdib nia. di daw nia ma-take. pero pagkalipas ng ilang sandaling pag-iisip at pagbabalik-tanaw sa eksenang ion, napangiti na lang daw ng malungkot ang girl. at sinabi sa sarili,”oh ano, papakagaga ka pa sa guy na ian? maawa ka naman sa sarili mo!” pero kahit pa ganun, di pa rin maiwasan ng girl na malungkot. oo, nakikita ko siang tumatawa, nag-jojoke pero alam kong sa likod ng mga ngiti at tawa nito, may nasasaktang puso…

kung sino ka man, pasensia na kung nilagay ko sa blog ang kwento mo no? mabasa sana ng guy ito para naman kahit konti makonsensya sia. yaan mo ang mga ganoong lalake…makakahanap ka rin ng para sa’yo. gO!!!! ahihi…gOodLucK…

March 1st, 2008
gossip. gossip. 


Hey. It’s Gossip time again. Aha.

The girl that I’ve mentioned before, the one that is so fed up of loving a guy, do you still remember her? Shoot. She already decided to move on. That’s a miracle, ha! Because this time it is for real. She deleted the guy’s number and also removed him on the list of her friends on Friendster. That’s a big deal for the girl because before, she can’t do it.

What are the reasons of the girl to finally stop her craziness?

-she finally woke up from the dreamland; 

-she can’t take it anymore whenever her friends call her the ‘most stupid of all’; 

-she doesn’t have the time to analyze what the guy’s intentions for her; 

-she can’t allow the guy to become the ‘best actor’ at her expense; 

-no matter what she feels, the guy just doesn’t respect her feelings; 

-and most especially, she had finally realized that loving the guy will refrain her from enjoying her life to the fullest.

These are not just the reasons. She said, there are so many of them she doesn’t know how to say them. But girl, I’m so proud of you. Get going! There are so many fish in the ocean. You might not know, maybe one of them is now in your life and thinking that you are the one for him, right?

Go girl! Sorry, I’ve posted your story again on my blog. I hope that that guy will read this. It might open his eyes, don’t you think? He had lost a big catch, darling. Hahaha. He surely would regret. Ciao!

lovingly yours,
lyn. (sigh. haha)

April 18th, 2009
gossip part 3 

okay, back to that girl we’re talking about. the one who had finally moved on.

but here is the catch. after she had let go, another one came along. at first she doesn’t know that someday, she’ll like the guy. but then, life is unpredictable. she then became close with the guy. nothing something. just friendship. acquaintance. she’s actually shock to know how their paths are off the crossroads. you know, the ‘what a small world” line. so there. nothing serious because she’s not just that totally ready yet. crushes, passable. but something deeper, not acceptable. i understand, healing the wounds, stitching the scraps.

she thought they are almost alike but different all the same. and as the days passed by, something just occurred. she’s totally caught off guard. is she falling in love again, then? she doesn’t think so. admiration. yes. dreaming of him. almost all the time. but that doesn’t mean she’s falling right? she doesn’t even know the real falling in love. the real love. hell, she’s still deliberating if she had really fallen in love with the ‘past’ guy. she’s thinking of the words infatuation and obsession to describe her feelings. but this ‘now’, she is not quite sure. she like him yes. but there’s something that is holding her back. she can’t point out what are those yet. maybe her cowardice resurfacing again? the scary part of life which is taking risks?

she told me, she’s like taking one step forward and two steps backward. that’s how she compares her ‘liking’ stage with that guy. she doesn’t know if she’ll go for it or not. she asked for signs: negative. but i told her, “no signs must control what you’ll gonna do in your life. remember your principle in life? it’s your choice, not the destiny crap that will make you live your life”. she’ll be enlightened for a second, then hazy decisions again.

her friends are already anxious about her. they had already felt the happiness love brings, but their best friend? not yet. they ask, when will their friend feel such thing? with whom? they just wish that their ‘fragile friend’ will not get hurt again. why fragile? ah. they said their girl friend doesn’t heal too fast. she’ll take as much time before she’ll get healed. yeah, i know, i told them. see what happened to her with her past. quite a long time. hah.

ohw, girl. don’t be confused. follow your heart. (yeah, such a cliche but i think it’s helpful!) analyze your feelings. take the necessary risk. you may never know, he’ll be worth it. ohow, hope so.

no wishful thinkings, ha? no false hopes. get to see the reality. no assumptions. no expectations.

wish you so much luck and love girl!

mwh! (=

August 28th, 2009
gossip part 4 

gossip girl is back! and with so much stories to tell. –S

so, let’s refresh our memories. we’re talking about the girl who had an obsession with a stupid guy. then she had finally moved on. after that she had met a new no nonsense guy which she thought was just a crush, not something deeper. and she’s asked for some signs which turned out to be negative. and i advised her that she should control her life but don’t hope too much.

now wonder what’s going on in her so-called lovelife?okay here it goes:

reality check girl:

they are so opposite in some extremes and are so alike on some unimportant matters. yeah, she admitted to me that there’s no way they can be together. a girl friend told her what she thought about her crushes — that she likes a guy at some point and when something happens she’ll take it back. that girl friend might had gotten the bull’s eye but here’s the thing. i don’t think the girl doesn’t really take the feelings back. the feelings are still there, waiting to resurface again. right, girl? you aren’t that fickle-minded right?

so let’s talk about that ’something happens’. there had been so many things that had happened between them and some other people were involved. she told me, at some point, everything got really complicated. so many unspoken issues and unheard explanations. doubtful days came to her. but in the end she realized trust and instincts are all she can hold on to. however, these don’t change a thing. they won’t and never will they be together. why? hah! i think, you girl, have the most rotten bad luck when it comes to love. no offense, but that’s how i see it.

BUT. don’t forget, maybe this is just a way of God telling you that it isn’t yet the right time. already tired of waiting? oh, girl, don’t be. your life is still so long. don’t lose patience, my darling.

so, what girl? you’ve told me again your story. will i conclude now then?

well, well, well. i THINK, my girl just want to let me know that she’s finally letting go. she’s letting go of that stupid feelings he had for the new boy. she’s letting go of those dreams that someday the guy will like him back. yeah, she had heard of Ciara’s song: “if that boy don’t love you right now, he will never ever, never ever love you.” sorry girl, better luck next time.

and i know for sure–you’re not that ready yet.

so long friends! Gossip girl will be back soon!

–S

Ü

Doodling on my photocopies is my favorite pastime. This I do especially inside the class. It makes me wander far away from the classland, mentally. Sometimes, nonsense, thoughtless things will randomly appear in my notes. But there are also times things that I think witty and smart comes out from me and were actually documented. Oh, I feel I’m a genius…in a way. It’s only myself who appreciates what I write, what I do, what I think. No one understands me, I think. And even I don’t understand myself sometimes. I compare myself to Bubble Boy sometimes, the boy who was placed inside a giant glass so that he won’t be harmed because he doesn’t have an immune system. I think unconsciously I had put my very own bubble glass around me when I was little. Yes you can’t see it but I can feel it. I got shield, man! Or so I thought. I’m numb. I’m heartless. I’m pokerfaced.

I envy those who can say whatever they want to say. Feel what they are feeling. Act what they feel like acting. I’m not that type. I’m well-guarded. Too shielded even I can’t penetrate me. I think I’m sort of pathetic. I can’t say what’s on my mind. I all keep it to myself. I don’t cry all the time. The most upsetting thing could only make me cry…or the funniest thing, too. Yeah, I’m pathetic. I can’t sympathize for myself but for Edward Cole and Carter Chambers I could cry for them. Even I felt for Grace when her dad Harry decided to save the world. It sounds pathetic enough for me for I can cry because of those movies but not for myself!

I hate myself when I don’t respond well. I don’t like it when I don’t speak when I should. I even more abhor me when I don’t treat people nicely. I don’t care what people around me think when I shoo them away.

Would you please help me say what I write? Would you please burst my bubble for me? Would you please let me make my own saddest movie ever so I could cry for myself? Would you please slap my face when I hurt someone?

I badly need that. It might wake me up from my own dreamland and walk through the roads of real life.

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Sana scripted na lang ang buhay. ‘Yun bang alam mo na kung ano ang sasabihin mo, ikikilos mo, kanino mo sasabihin at kung anong emosyon ba dapat ang ipakita mo. Sana pelikula na lang ang buhay. ‘Yun bang may director na sasabihan ka kung paano mo idedeliver ang line mo. Saang mata mahuhulog ang luha mo. Kung gaano kalakas ang itatawa mo.

Ang hirap kasi kapag hindi mo na alam ang gagawin mo sa buhay. Kung saan ba patungo ang biyaheng ito. Ang hirap din kasi ikaw lang ang nakakaintindi sa sarili. Pero ang mas masaklap pa kapag hindi mo na nga alam ang gagawin mo, hindi mo pa kilala ng lubusan ang sarili mo.

Siguro lahat tayo naranasan na ‘to. ‘Yung feeling na para ka ng nasa dead end. Nahaharap ka sa isang pader na alam mong wala ng mayroon sa kabilang banda. No choice ka kasi kailangan mo na naman bumalik para subukan ang ibang daan.

Minsan, hindi lang pala minsan. Madalas naiisip ko pwede na lang ba akong mawala dito sa lugar na ‘to? Gusto kong umalis dito at pumunta sa ibang lugar. Sana makapaglakbay ako. Hahanapin ko ang sarili ko. Baka wala dito sa Pampanga.
“Nawawala ako. Palutang-lutang lang. Bahala na kung saan ako dalhin ng hangin.”

clouded mind, restless soul.

My friend had shared me this, “You know they say that Jesus is the driver of our vehicle, you heard that? But I disagree. I think WE are the driver of our own life.”

Oh yeah, that’s right. Just like what I always say, it’s your choice don’t blame it on destiny.

My friend also shared this experience to me where she had reflected on what’s going on with her life.

She’s with her boyfriend, riding on a jeepney. She’s just right behind the driver’s back when suddenly she noticed the lines on the road. It might be enticing to look at how the jeep glides through the road but suddenly she had realized something. That is we are the driver of our own jeep. We got so many roads to take. Sometimes you’ll drive smoothly. But sometimes you also get bumpy rides.

You see, it’s your own choice whether you’ll steer the wheel on that direction or on the opposite course. You call the shots on whether you’ll take the long ride or the short one. You can’t blame others when you reach a dead end. You have the choice on whether you’ll get stuck in that corner or reverse your gears and take another route.

I personally believe that God has laid down as much roads as we can have to choose but it’s our own preference on which roads you will take. He has your guidance all the way.

And because of all of these realizations, my friend and I came with this: we think our life is going nowhere. No sense at all. I thought I was just the one who’s thinking this way but surprisingly, she’s experiencing this too.

My life got no meaning suddenly. It’s becoming a routine. You sleep, you wake up, you eat, you watch. I mean, where’s the sense of all of these?

Even on Sundays, my favorite day of the week, it’s becoming less and less fruitful. Four years ago every time I go to the church, there’s this excitement that again I’ll be able to serve God in my own way. But now, ashamed and alarmed as I was, I’m beginning to think that my relationship with God is coming to that thin thread where faith is already slipping. I don’t like that! I mean, I’m afraid if that will happen. It’s as if it’s all becoming a habit. No deeper feelings attached.

I have chaotic mind and heart this past few weeks but I’m keeping myself all numb. I don’t want to think! I don’t want to feel it! And suddenly I don’t know myself anymore. I don’t understand myself anymore, too. I don’t know if I could get all of these off my chest. I’m not good in expressing myself. My friend told me if I don’t understand myself, how would I understand somebody else? It’s just like you can’t love another person if you wouldn’t love yourself first.

Now I’m beginning to think on how to find myself amidst all these. My friend again told me that sometimes we wouldn’t find ourselves here, where we grew up. I now think of going somewhere else. I want to travel in order to find myself.

I enjoy walking by myself; it may be in the mall or on my way home. That process helps me to be self aware. I think more. I battle with my inner self. But I don’t think it’s enough.

I want to find myself. I want to seek my purpose. I want to know if I’m going anywhere. I need to get together with God again. Maybe in the future I would just give the wheel to Jesus and just go with Him. He knows everything. I’m in the safe hands.