the moment you let the balloon go

My heart yearns for nothing but peace. It has an empty part but doesn't want to be filled yet.
The time has come. The time wherein I would stop waiting. I stop anticipating. I stop wanting someone to love me.
I am contented with what I have now. Myself.
I don't long for anyone right now.
I got tired I guess. I got tired. So much.

The self pity and the strength within

One single moment could break the strongest bond you've tied around yourself.

How can something you thought could never put you down anymore still has effect on what you feel about yourself?

You do not think of getting back what it used to be. But you begin to think of what is missing in you that someone look for in another person?

Sometimes you feel that you are worthless. That you don't deserve to be loved. That there is no one out there that is meant for you. That there is no one for you. That there is no one meant to love you.

You want to feel loved. You want to feel to be someone else's number one priority. You want to feel like you are the center of someone's universe.

But all that is being thrown at you are scraps of the universe. You're planet has been screwed, scratched. Hardened surface. Though all you want is to be polished as ever. So that one day, another planet will come along and will make you the sun he would gladly revolve.

People are bound to crave for more even it it’s already enough. It is natural for people to dream big, to get more. Wanting so much leads someone to do things out of their ways. Some live in a fantastical dream, in a world that everything is within their reach. They don’t acknowledge reality, the real world they live in.

Not being contented is always a dilemma. Doing extreme things to get hold of their wants have many consequences. Some will not do someone good. It will bring chaos in an ordered life. Why does it have to be that way? Why can’t we leave the things that are not ours alone? It is not wrong to dream for something we want but we have to keep it real. Think a thousand times before acting. Is it essential? Is it worth the risk? Is it something you can’t live without?

Getting more could also mean being less.

Another thing—The most liberated being in this world is an honest man. It has always been that way. The truth will set you free, as they say. What is there to hide? Keeping things to ourselves make people live in a place that they think they don’t belong to. Are you happy when you have secrets? It’ll make you depressed. It’ll make you afraid. So what if other people won’t understand? At least you know in yourself you’ve done your part. Someone out there will appreciate your honesty. It won’t only be you who will feel free but also the people who surround you.

unanswered

There's this one question that you ask yourself everyday.
Maybe at the moment when you wake up, or in the middle of the day doing nothing, or while washing the dishes.
There's this one question you keep on asking to yourself and you have no answer to it, or anyone else.

Mine was:  WHEN WILL I EVER BECOME HAPPY?

And I still have no answer.

But I keep on wishing that I will be.

And I know I will be.

there's this one thing i want to do. i want to have a picture, standing on the edge of a cliff. sunset. silhouette.

Fairness and Equality

Do such ideas exist?

If yes, how would you explain that rich people in decent clothes could go to society parties while beggars can’t?

How would you explain the well-off families can get away from being guilty while poor ones were being put behind the bars even if they’re innocent?

Do you say it is money war?

Where people will get their way because of their money and those who don’t have need to beg for respect?

So that’s it? Money vs. Trash?

Where’s the fairness there?

Why can’t be the prostitutes be equally respected as the owners of famous establishments?

Life is unfair. Who said it is otherwise?

But don’t blame everything to life. The choices you made will make you successful or miserable.

If you’re penniless now, it doesn’t mean you will be the same tomorrow. Likewise, if you’re rich today it doesn’t follow that the next day you will be as powerful as yesterday.

Fairness? Equality? It’s up to you to earn it.

love is a choice not destiny

That is my love mantra for a long time now. I really don't believe in destiny. But there are times that things are proving me wrong. I know we make our destiny but I don't know what I will call to the things that happen just because.

I have been keeping something from everyone and I think from myself also. I just don't want to curse this thing. I don't know if it will produce something great. Fingers crossed, I just want this to be okay and not so complicated. I still can't say it out loud, or write in this blog, but I wish it is something worth waiting for.

I'm choosing now. And I don't know if it's right. It's the risk I got to take.

it's hard when you're twenty

I have a barkada. It’s called G4 or GO! GO! Galaxy Girls. Weird huh? Funny. It was conceived, if I recall it right, on August 18, 2005. It was Meteor Garden mania then and we have crushes in our room and we associate them with the F4. Meteor=Galaxy. Gets? Whatever. Basta, we’re the G4. We have this theme song pa nga written by Lea and Tin-an. It was done when we’re already First Year College. 

In high school, we’re inseparable. We do things together—eat, laugh, cry, fall in love (or infatuation, hehe), and everything you could think of. but of course problems are inevitable. we fought then forgave each other.

But college came. We are going the separate ways. I’m in BA, Tin-an and Lea took up Nursing, Em took up Architecture, while Erika took up IT, and the saddest of all, Sheena had to study in Manila for scholarship purposes. See, we have different courses, different schedules, and we met different friends. But we never gave up on our friendship. Sure, one could spend time with the other some time, but it’s rare and hard for us to have a grand reunion. Only in special occasion you will see us all together. 

And it became harder when each one of them had found their special someone. And it pained me when I’ve realized I am the only one who’s alone. 

I miss my girls. I miss hanging out with them. I don’t take it against them for finding their “someone”. I am happy for them. But it’s hard to be with them only nowadays. They always bring the boys with them. ): Now, Rik and I are the loveless in the group. And I’m desperately wanting to be with the other girls. Only them. 

But that’s hard. It seems impossible. I don’t know. 

But I’m not giving up. We have so many plans. Now that we’re in the next stage of our lives, we have to hold on and have faith on each other. I love my girls. And I will die loving them. And I know for sure we will be for each other for the next stages of our lives. We will be bridesmaids in each other’s wedding. We will be godmothers to each other’s children. 

I love my G4 so much. (:

o ako na ang nasasaktan. ikaw na ang nagmamahal. ikaw ng masaya.  di ka naman dating ganiyan. di mo naman pinagsisigawan sa buong mundo na gusto/mahal mo ang isang tao. marahil ngayon totoo ang nararamdaman mo. masaya ako para sa'yo. di ko lang maiwasang maapektuhan. naku. isang kagagahan na naman ito. hindi maaari. last na 'to, promise. masaya ka na. magsasaya na lang din ako para sa'yo. byeee.

I miss this. I wish I'm his and he's mine. LOLJK. We're so pangit here. And we're really sleeping here and don't have any idea that this picture was taken. This was last September 10, 2009. We are the only 4th year students in that tour of the 3rd years. Such an experience.

Sip a little kindness

All the goodness you have done will affect the universe--the people around you. So the next time you do something awful, think many times. The karma is always just around the corner, ready to strike back.

The Darkness Under

I thought of you as my underworld. Beneath the seas, away from everything. You are my underworld. This is our world.

missing friends...

highschool friends,they say, are the best friends you'll ever had. i agree.

liberty

i've always wanted to be free. like that of a bird who swiftly soar through the endless space above. wind whipping through its wings. like that of a bird who just trusts his instincts on where to fly and rest. like a that bird doesn't need someone to take care of him but still survives. i've always wanted to do things on my own. go out at night and party with some friends, drink as many as i can until i pass out and drive around town feeling the liberty of the air going past my face.

i've always wanted to roam around alone. without someone by my side to accompany my journey. i've always wanted to do things on my own.


some realizations that i have processed these past few days:

seize the moment when it had finally cross your path and don't let it go!

do not be surprised on how things turn out in a day because you must remember that you're on a roller coaster ride.

not all people wants to be with you; they just use you to be their accessory.

if he doesn't like you now, he never will. it goes to show that you're not enough for him.

many people are bounded by their traditions and values. and no one can infiltrate that.

gossip take 5

okay. it has been a long time since the last juicy gossip about a girl's love life. so here's the thing. i had a lot of catching up time with her and she told me so much about the past, new, and some other random guys she could think of. so here it goes:


the new guy, she told me, wasn't the one she first noticed. she had seen the new guy on their 2nd year in College but the universe conspired and so on their 3rd year, they were in the same block section. she wasn't interested in him in a deeper level. she just know this is the guy her classmate had a crazy crush on. that was it. but she had a thing on one of the new guy's best friends. she was attracted to him. just like that. the other best friend was more approachable than the other two. he was the one who spoke to her first (you're --- right?). then she begun to think that maybe they could be friends. days passed, the girl still having 'secret' crush with the new guy's best friend (L). then one day, one of her friends dropped by her room to give her book back when suddenly the new guy talked to her friend. obviously they've known each other for a long time already. she told me she could still remember the first sentence he(New) said pertaining to her. "is she your girl friend?". and the girl was like defensive and said no. 


she couldn't still get over with the crush thing. but one afternoon it changed. it's their last period (start of midterms) and their professor changed their seating arrangements. she said, squealing, to me that she landed on the seat next to the new guy. and they had the same shade of color of their shirts! the new guy was so talkative. haha. but, later on, they had to separate ways because of their poor eyesight (they were seated at the back). 
she told me she doesn't know when she had really liked the person. he was intelligent, talkative, full of life, smart, and way out of her league because he's a 100% Chinese. but he's still a good friend she could talk to, mostly about their lessons. she thinks she had a connection with him. she only meets someone like him once in a while.

they became friends. had common friends. she had forgotten the crush she had with L. the other best friend was close and sweet to her. but she could only think of the new guy now. 
maybe at some point they had felt the same way towards each other. there was, as the girl had told me, a time when the new guy held her hand but after some seconds, she let go of his hands. she's a bit shy but frustratingly, she admitted to me that if given a chance, she would hold that hand forever. 


at some point they had some off moments. they would not text that much to each other. they rarely hang out together. there was some ilangan and all. 


but this is the juiciest gossip ever. they had kissed each other already. but sadly, it wasn't the sweet-love kiss. they just had to do it because of a bet. and it had been so long since they've had the connection. it's as if along the way they have lost each other. but she said, they still talk about things once in a while. she could still confide in him. like he's some shock absorber in her life. but that was only that. nothing more. and never will it become more.


another juicy gossip--this crush guy had wanted to kiss her one time-the same time the new guy and the girl had their first kiss. that was one hella problem if the guy had succeeded in making the girl kiss him. i'm so proud of you girl for not giving in to temptation cause that jerk has a girl friend already! 


all about the kiss was not known by the other best friend, the sweet, approachable guy. every one thinks they could be together. but it just won't happen. not now anyway. 


the only wish the girl could think of, she shared to me, is that she wishes one day she'll be kissing someone out of love and not because of any other reason.


NOTE TO THE GIRL:
*don't lose hope girl. i know for sure there will come a time that you'll be kissing your own prince. 
*forget about the crush guy, he's unhealthy. and i'm proud of what you've done! Go Girl!
*the sweet guy, however, i don't  know. i think just see what are the possibilities.


PS. this girl had shared to me that she's texting with someone today. she don't know. she hasn't met him yet. but this i could tell, take a chance girl!


oh so long, dears! i'll be back!
--S(:

Kapag sigurong wala kang alam tungkol  sa buhay, mawawalan din ng pakialam ang buhay sa’yo. Hindi  mo damang nabubuhay ka. Hindi mo damang may kabuluhan ang buhay. Kalian ka mabubuhay? Kailan magkakaroon ng kabuluhan? Matagal ko nang hinihintay mabuhay. Hindi lamang humihinga kundi nabubuhay. Matagal ko nang hinihintay na magkaroon ng dahilan ang buhay. Ang magkaroon ng pakialam ang buhay sa akin. Kaya naman nang dumating siya, kay saya. Sa unang pagkakataon sa buhay ko nabuhay ako. Nabuhayan ako ng loob na nagkakaroon na ng pakialam ang mundo sa akin. Na magkakaroon na akong silbi sa buhay na binigay sa akin.

Hindi ko natatandaan kung paano ako napadpad sa lugar kung saan ko siya nakita. Iniisip ko lang kung paanong mabuhay habang naglalakad sa kalyeng puno ng taong umaasam ding mabuhay. May dala siyang bulaklak. Isang tangkay ng lily. Hindi ko pa noon nalalaman kung para saan ang bulaklak o kung para kanino. Tangan-tangan lang niya, pinakatitigan ito. Hindi bagay sa kanya na may dalang bulaklak. Para sa isang rakistang tulad niya, parang hindi nababagay sa kanya ang pagiging romantiko. Hindi ko pa noon nalalamang sa kabila nang pormang iyon, isa lang din siyang katulad ko. Nangangarap din siya ng buhay, ngunit hindi para sa sarili. Matagal na itong namatay pagkatapos lumisan ang ina.

Hindi ko siya nilapitan noong araw na iyon. Pinagmasdan ko lang siya. Hawak ang bulaklak na iyon, tinatanaw nito ang kahabaan ng kalye na para bang nagtataka kung hanggang saan ang layo nito. Kung may hangganan nga ba ito. Maaari ring hinahalintulad nito ang buhay sa kalyeng yun. Mahaba, walang hanggan. Pero may hahadlang para maabot ang dulo. Kung saan lang ang kayang lakarin ay doon lang. At gaya ng mga taong nasa kalye, ganoon din karami ang mga taong lalampasan mo. Mahaba man, paminsan ay kailangan ding huminto para makilala ang mga taong nakakasalubong mo.

Paano ko ito nalaman? Sinabi niya sa akin. Araw-araw ko siyang pinagmamasdan sa kalyeng iyon. Araw-araw akong bumabalik sa lugar na iyon sa parehong oras. At parehong eksena lang din ang nakikita ko. Hinihintay kong ring umalis siya. Umaalis lang siya kapag wala nang tao sa kalye. Maliban ako na nagkukubli sa isang poste. Bago siya lumilisan, pakakatitigan muna niya ang hangganan ng kalye kung saan wala nang bahid ng mga tao. Iniisip niya marahil na ganoon talaga ang buhay. Minsan aabot ka rin sa puntong mawawala ang lahat sa’yo. Ang pinakamadilim na parte ng buhay mo.

Paano ko ito nalaman? Sinabi niya sa akin. Ang pinakamalungkot na bahagi ng buhay niya ay katulad ng madilim at walang taong kalye na iyon. Mahaba, nakakatakot. Hindi man niya sabihin alam kong natatakot siyang pagtalikod niya at pagbalik niya ganoon pa rin ang nararamdaman niya.

Pero isang araw nagbago ang lahat. Dahil nagkaroon na ako ng lakas ng loob na lapitan siya. Nagulat ito dahil sa tagal-tagal ba naman ng pagpunta niya sa lugar na iyon, ngayon pa lang may pumansin sa kanya. Hindi niya masisi ang mga tao. Pag minsan talaga wala silang pakialam sa paligid. Niyaya ko siyang magkape sa may malapit. Noong una ay ayaw nito. Hindi pa tapos ang gabi. Hindi pa umaalis ang mga tao. Hindi pa madilim. Hindi pa siya nag-iisa. Pero may sinabi akong nagpabago ng isip niya. “Hindi lahat ng tao gaya ng iniisip mo. Hindi lahat ng iniisip mo sa buhay ay totoo. May taong papansin sa’yo kahit gaano pa kagulo ang buhay mo. Kahit hindi pa kalmado ang lahat sa buhay mo. Mayroong magliligtas sa’yo at iaalis ka sa kaguluhan ng buhay. At sabay ninyong mapagtatantong sa buhay na nagpupumilit kang makatakas, mayroong taong magbibigay sa’yo nang rasong manatili. Kahit gaano pa kabagsik ng mundo sa’yo.”

Hindi man siya naging madali noong una, sa bawat araw na nagdadaan natulungan namin ang isa’t isa. Sino ba namang mag-aakalang ang dalawang taong naghahanap ng kabuluhan ng buhay ay magtatagpo. Minsan ang tadhana talaga ay mapagbiro. Isipin mo na lang na may magandang plano sa buhay mo. Mabubuhay ka ulit. Kasama mong mabubuhay ang mahal mo. Ang kahulugan ng lahat-lahat sa buhay mo. At sino ka para magreklamo? Ito ang nararapat sa’yo.  Mabubuhay ka rin sa paraang gusto mo, kasama ang taong minamahal mo.

fish and fisherman

the fish glides through the river

it is free and no one disturbs her

her environment is her planet

and she thought, "i am nobody's pet".

but her world isn't hers only

many have claim of it, it's a pity

and so when someone had invaded

she whispered, "i am dead".

the fisherman heaved its fishing equipment

smiling, a bright day, he had meant

he pulled a chair facing the waters

he begin his hunt like nothing else matters

so he started his conquest

and the sun is already on its west

it’s only a matter of time, he said

and soon he will be well-fed

the solitary fish sensed

an invader, now she’s tensed

she needs to avoid, now or never

and she’ll be a prisoner forever

the fisherman had caught the fish

he wants her, he wished

but she struggled to be free

so he let her go, in the waters he will see.

The fish wished she could go back

To the waters that is intact

Because once it’s done, it’s done

The fisherman’s deed and now she’s fond.

...

I see the truth and nothing I could do about it.

It is the truth we seek. We seek so we could understand. We understand so we could live. We live because it’s fate. It’s fate because no one knows.

Nothing happens by chance.

The sun is there because we need its heat. The moon rises because we need the light in the dark. The man breathes because it is what to live. Man and woman get married because that’s how it is.

I am unhappy because I made myself unhappy.

I see the truth and there’s something I’ve got to do to change it.

Sometimes we make the truths turn into lies so we could feel we need nothing to do about anything of it. And there are times we make lies into truths because we want to believe there is something out there that’s meant for us.

The wind blows even it knows nothing on its course. The sand is there even if it’s meant to be trodden on. The rocks are laid upon the earth even if it’s meant to play dead all the time.

We see the truth. And most of the time we could do nothing about it.

There are reasons behind everything.

It is the truth. And no one knows why or how. And I am unhappy because I made myself unhappy. But why did I make myself unhappy? Is there any reason for it? Maybe yes. Certainly yes. Why? I see the truth. And half the time I don’t acknowledge it. 

i now am an official DQ addict! (:

the nature and me

i want to be a part of nature. like a leaf on the tallest tree. the rock on the steepest mountain. the giant wave in an ocean. a worm in the beak of the eagle. a raindrop coming from a dark cloud. i want to be like nature. i want to be appreciated. i want to feel i am part of an ecosystem where no one will survive if something is missing in the cycle. i want to be a part of someone. i guess it is too much to ask for. because everything i wanted wasn't exactly happening right now. there's such a big hole inside my heart, my soul, my whole being. like i am here but i don't know if i got substance. if i am essential.

i want to be a part of nature. and just wait for the wind to blow me.