Gossip Girl Round 6

Gossip Girl Round 6

“The rain, the red car, the bubblegum stuck under my sandals. All of these I will let go. The hugs, the kisses, the sweet tune of your voice. I will put those behind me, this is now true. It must have been real, the things we had, but I know for sure they wouldn’t last. So this is my final post about you, my last thought of you. Thanks for making me feel special even just for a short time. Thanks for I have proven that inspiration could make someone feel alive. This is my testimony. And this is now the end.”

Ola! S is back!

You’ve always been aware that I’ve been talking about one girl on my gossips. And yet again, heartache was told and yours truly got the privilege to share it to you.

You’ve read that one up there? Yes, you’re right. It was written by her. She told me that she had been delaying this day, the day when she could really let go and tell me the stories. Because telling the tale signifies that it is really the end, that she is now really finally letting go.

According to her, she met him through his sister. They were text mates. At first, she’s not into the set up. What a text mate could do? Where will this lead to? But as the days went by, she had known him bit by bit. They haven’t met, not until a month later of being text mates. And there, she realized that it’s not that hard to like this guy.

They had moments together, moments that she couldn’t easily let go. Because according to her, the things he made her feel and experience were not easy to forget. It was her first time to feel that maybe, there’s this one guy that could actually put down her walls and believe that she could finally fall in love, for real. But no, fate had been cruel once again.  She didn’t know what went wrong. She had just woke up one day and the magic was gone. He had slipped away.

What else is there to do but let him go? How could she stop him because that’s the most selfish act to do? And so she let him. And along the way, she suffered.

But that’s all there was to it. She couldn’t even go into detail. She said that the things they had could only be saved into her memories. But, yeah, it is now the end of her wishful thinking.

Trying to be smart about Life

It’s just a beautiful thing!

If I asked you what life is and you answered this, six months ago I would scream at you and say, “Are you for real?”

I couldn’t deny the fact that I have been miserably miserable (redundant?) for the second half of 2010. At that time I couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself. I want you to know why. I am not taking a justification of myself; I don’t even want you to understand me. I just want to put it into writing so that I could let go of it, fold it nicely, and tuck it under the sheets of misbehavior and some-not-believing-in-myself-clips of my life, and make it a nice reference if ever so I will encounter problems like these again.

It could have started after I lost a battle in the field of love and relationship. It could have been when I’ve graduated from college. It might have been sprouting as early as when I was in my senior year on high school. Or it might be rooted from the moment when I was a naïve, sensitive child and thought that I am not better because of what other people had said about me then. Oh there! I think I had pinpointed the dawn of the life of the faithless child. I became doomed the moment I take into consideration all the things that other people might say towards me.

Ever since I was a little girl, I had loved to hear praises from people. It makes me feel good when people appreciate what I think is the most fascinating thing there is. I have always wanted to hear affirmation on anything I want to do. I have big plans. I had dreamed big. I just forgot one thing: To believe in myself, to believe that I could actually achieve those plans, to believe that I will become who I should be.

Don’t get me wrong. A number of times, I fully believe in myself that I could do whatever. But I get uninspired easily. This is my ultimate weakness: Whenever I hear negative things about me, I let them in. I make them a poison in my system. I hold on to it. But behind that weakness, let me redeem myself—I take actions to prove people wrong. But…in the thirst of changing and proving myself, I tend to lose track, I make wrong decisions.

After I graduated, I thought, this is the moment of truth. Cliché, yes, but it really is. I had done well in my studies, modesty aside, thus the high expectations. Professors, classmates, friends, family—they’re all scrutinizing my steps as if I had prepared a big plan that would surprise them all. Surprised, they are! I had made a fool out of myself. I had felt I became the laughing stock. Of course my family and closest friends had supported me all the way. But I am not contented. Behind those spectators, there’s the biggest enemy—myself. I put a lot of pressure on myself. I didn’t take into consideration that I had to make one step at a time. But the drive to excel is too much of a force. I was blown away; I landed on the black hole. Now where am I? Where should I go?

The first month of 2011 had been pretty so-so. I am embracing the failures and bad decisions. But who am I kidding? I don’t want this. I couldn’t be like this forever. I’m turning 21, and I am still a mess.

I don’t know when and how but there’s one sentence that made me aim for it: “You take responsibility on your own decisions.” The decisions, no one else made it but you.

That is why I am doing this—taking responsibility of my actions. No matter how hard, no matter what people say. Yes, you read it right. I am freeing that obsessive me over the opinions of other people. It’s not wrong to take advices from experienced people but what I learned now, though I had been reading it a lot, is that you cannot really please everybody.

So to end this, ask me what life is.

My answer? Hell, this is life. You really don’t know what it is. And that makes it a beautiful thing.

Ugong ng Tren--Hiyaw ng kamusmusan

Isang nakabibinging ugong ang nagpagising sa akin. Araw-araw naman ay ang ugong ng tren ang aking nagsisilbing alarm clock. Kapag narinig ko na ito, ibig sabihin ay alas-seis na ng umaga. Ganyan ako kaagang nagigising. Kailangan eh. Kailangang magtrabaho. Kailangang kumayod. Pero ‘di na kailangang mag-aral.

Kinse anyos na ako. Dapat ay estudyante pero isang tagalako ng sampagita. Dapat nasa eskwelahan pero nasa mga kalsada. Hanggang grade 5 lang ang natapos ko. Ni hindi man natuloy hanggang grade 6 para kahit papaano ay masabi naming may natapos ako kahit elementarya lang. Sabi kasi ni Inay ay ‘di naman kailangan makatapos. Hindi naman daw talaga iyon kailangan para umasenso. Sa karanasan lang daw nagkakatalo. May kilala nga daw siyang isang mayamang tao na hindi man nakapagtapos pero umasenso. Sabi ko naman sa loob-loob ko, “tinulad pa ako!” Nayayamot ako dahil puro na lang ‘abilidad’ ang naririnig ko mula kay Inay.

Bumaba na ako sa makipot naming bahay. Dalawang palapag nga ngunit parang pinitpit na lata kung titgnan. Diyan ako lumaki. Squatter ng Tondo. Malapit sa riles ng tren. Home da riles nga kumbaga. At kailangan ko nang magmadali. Baka maubusan pa ako ng sampagita at ‘di na ako mabigyan ni Aling Timing. Sa kanya kami kumukuha ng mga nilalako naming tinda. At ako ang pinakamatanda sa lahat ng mga nagsa-sampagita. Pero sa bahay ay ako ang pinakabunso. Masasabi ngang ako ang pinakabata sa pamilya ngunit ako naman ang bumubuhay sa kanilang mga batugan. ‘Di miminsan na akong nagtangkang lumayas. Sawang-sawa na kasi ako. Pero kahit ganun, dinadala pa rin ako ng mga paa ko pabalik sa aming barong-barong.

Ako na pala ang huling kukuha ng mga paninda. Isang matamis na ngiti ang binigay ko kay Aling Timing nang kunin ko sa kanya ang mga sampagita. Ganundin ang nagging tugon niya at nagbilin pa sa akin. Siya ang kinikilala kong pangalawang ina. Isa siyang dating guro sa isang mataas na paaralan sa aming lugar pero naalis ang lisensya nang siya ay sumali sa isang malawakang protesta laban sa pamamalakad ng paaralan. Minsan ay nabanggit niya ito sa akin. At kapag may natitira pang oras ay tinuturuan niya ako ng kaunti. Wala na kasi siyang pamilya at nag-iisa na sa buhay. Ang tangi na lang nakapagpapasaya sa kanya ay ang paggawa ng mga sampagita.

Ilang minuto ang lumipas at nasa lansangan na ako. Isa ako sa mga tinatawag ng mga nakakaangat sa amin na ‘nakikipagpatintero sa mga sasakyan’. Pero anong magagawa ko? Ito lang ang alam kong hanapbuhay para mabuhay ko ang aming pamilya. Anong buhay naman ito?

“Ale! Mama! Bili na po kayo! Bagong pitas ang mga ito! Singko pesos lang po! Ale! Salamat po!”

Araw-araw ay ‘yan ang lagi kong sinisigaw, ang lagi kong sinasabi sa bawat taong nagdaraan. Nauubos na ang boses ko, natutuyo na ang lalamunan ko. Kailan ba ako titigil sa ganitong klaseng pamumuhay?

Alas-dose na ng tanghali. Gutom na ako. Pumunta ako sa isang sulok ng kalye. Kinain ko ang isang siopao na ibinigay sa akin ng isang mabuting lalaki kanina. Pantulak na lang ang hahanapin ko. Sa isang banda ay nakakita ako ng gripo. Halos ubos na ang mga paninda ko. Maaga-aga yata akong makakauwi. Buti naman at makakapagpahinga na rin ako. Wala na ring masasabi ang pamilya. Sapat na siguro ang sakripisyo ko.

Sa wakas at naubos na rin ang mga sampagita ko. Ala-una pasado pa lang. Marami-rami rin ang kita, P205. Nang pagkaabot k okay Aling Timing ang aking bayad ay tinanggihan niya ako. Hindi na rin ako nagpumilit pa dahil kailangan ko rin kasi. Pagkatapos kong nagpasalamat ay dumiretso na ako ng uwi. Nang inabot ko kay inay ang pera ay wala man lang akong narinig na konting usal ng pasasalamat. Ano pa nga bang inaasahan ko?

Mga alas-singko y media na nang makarinig kami ng mga nag-aaway. Dalawang lalaki ata. Kasunod noon ay mga putok ng baril ang pumailanlang sa ere. Sunud-sunod. Hiyawan ang mga tao sa labas. Bigla na lamang akong nakadama ng mainit sa kaliwang dibdib ko. Masakit. Biglang nagdilim ang aking paningin. Unti-unti’y kusang sumara ang mga talukap ng aking mga mata. Tapos wala na akong maalala.

“Anak, gumising ka!”

“Pangako, maghahanap na ako ng trabaho bunso!”

“Kafatid, gising sabi diyan eh!”

“Anak, pangako patatapusin na kita ng elementarya.”

Mga boses at mga salitang nakapagpagising sa akin. Unti-unti kong minulat ang aking mga mata. Una’y nasilaw ako ngunit unti-unti ding nabuo ang mga taong nakapalibot sa akin. Kumirot ang kaliwang dibdib ko. Pero kahit na masakit ay kitang-kita ko ang mga luhaan at nag-aalalang mukha ng pamilya ko. Nang biglang sa wari ko’y unti-unting sumisikip ang dibdib ko. Hindi na ako makahinga. Hanggang sa tuluyan nang nakakasilaw na puti na lang ang nakikita ko. Sobrang liwanag pero nakakagaan ng pakiramdam. Wala na ang sakit na nararamdaman ko kanina. Kaginhawaan. At bigla ko na lang naisip, langit na ba ito? Siguro’y oo. Agad kong natanggap. Para kasing doon ko lang madarama ang kapanatagan ng loob. Walang iniisip na anumang suliranin. Napag-isip-isip ko, tapos na yata ang misyon ko sa mundo. Hanggang doon na lang siguro ako. Tama na.

07.07.05
Edited

“Hello? Ang aga mong nagising?”

5:30 pa lang ng umaga. Ako, kasama ko na ang mga kaibigan ko. Aalis kami para mag-bonding sa probinsya. Nagpaalam naman ako sa kanya pero bakit nagche-check siya?

“Sinadya ko talaga. Nakaalis na ba kayo?” Tanong niya.

“Hindi pa. Hinihintay pa namin ‘yung isang sasakyan. Bakit ka pa kasi tumawag? ‘Yan tuloy nasira tulog mo. Pinayagan mo naman na ako di ba?”

“Oo nga. Pero nag-aalala po kasi ‘yung tao. Masama bang maging concern?” 

“May sinabi ba ako? ‘Wag ka na kasing mag-alala. Trusted drivers ‘tong mga kabarkada ko tsaka di naman nila ako pababayaan. So no need to worry.”

“Oo na. Oo na. May dala kang band-aid niyan?”

“Oo.”

“Alcohol? Towel?”

“Opo.”

“Knee pads? Elbow pads?”

“Knee at elbow pads? Ano ba naman yan? Baka gusto mo din magtanong kung may dala akong helmet?” Natatawa na lang ako sa kanya. ‘Pag minsan kasi nagiging OA na ang pagiging protective niya.

“Magandang ideya ngang may helmet ka din. Paano naman kasi you’re the most clumsy person I’ve met. Ni bato nga di mo kayang iwasan eh.” Sagot niya habang sige lang siya sa pagtawa na sinabayan ko na din.

“Clumsy pala ha. Kaya nga I fell for you eh. Hahaha!” Natawa ako sa sarili kong banat.

“Kaya nga di na ako nagrereklamo sa pagiging clumsy mo. Gusto ko lang ma-siguradong di ka mahuhulog o mauuntog ang ulo mo at maisipan mong palitan ako.” Naki-ride naman siya. Haha!

“Ay korny natin, umagang-umaga. Sige na hon, sleep ka na ulit. Ayos lang ako, don’t worry. Good morning.”

“Okay. Be careful. I miss and love you.”

“Same here.”

“Heto na naman tayo sa same here mo.” Nagrereklamong saad niya. “Parang nahihiya kang sabihing mahal mo ako.”

“Naku, nagtampo na naman po. I miss you hon and I love you. Always. Oh sleep na, okay? I’ll call you when we get there. Mwah.”

Wala nang sasaya sa mga pagkakataong ganito. Hay, pag-ibig. 

The Start and The End

She: May tanong ako and answer honestly. Friend mo ako ‘di ba? And ‘pag may ayaw ka sa friend mo, sasabihin mo sa kanya. May prob ka bas a akin? Nagtatanong lang ako, ‘wag mamasamain.Ü

Him: Hmm. Weird question. Tsk. Wala naman. Honest answer. PROMISE.

S: Nawi-weirdohan din kasi ako sa’yo. Aha.

H: Ah…ehe. Sorry ha.. Weird lang talaga, magulo, and just wanna say, it’s not you. It’s me. ‘Yun. I believe you got what I mean. Hugs.

S: Sana lang kini-clear lang. Clueless ako, promise. Ano bang problema mo sa sarili mo? Siguro naman pwede kong malaman?

H: Hindi ko kasi alam talaga ano gusto ko ngayon. Magulo utak ko. And I’m sorry, nakuha nating maging close, kahit magulo utak ko. Tsk. ‘Yun. I think I’ve been unfair to you. Yun. So sorry.

S: Yeah, I should have guessed. I was right all along. Don’t worry, I get it. I don’t understand though kung bakit magulo utak mo. Because of your ex?

H: Ay hindi po. Wrong ‘yun. Ewan. I just can’t find myself. Don’t know what to think and what I want. Kabud lang ako nagigising sa umaga then matutulog sa gabi, ganun. And ‘yung kagabe, it’s between me and my mum kasi nga, napapansin din ilang ala ako sa sarili ko. ‘Yun.

S: Hah. Paso na ‘yung can’t find myself na yan. But then, at some point, that can be felt. Can’t blame you din.

H: ‘Di kita masisisi kung iisipin mong pasu na can’t find myself pero ang totoo nyan, nung makatext kita and makilala kita, I’ve been me. ‘Yun nga lang lately. Hay ewan, ewan talaga. I’m really sorry.

S: La na tayong magagawa dian. Sabihin mo lang kung anong gusto mong gawin ko. Ung straight to the point. To avoid misunderstanding or whatever. Basta I’m still here. Your friend, or whatever you want me to be.

H: I can’t blame you if you hate me. And it’s up to you kung you’ll stay as a friend. I just think I’ve been unfair, I’m being unfair, and I don’t wanna be unfair anymore. And I hate being unfair. Haay.

S: I don’t hate you okay? It’s just good to know. To understand. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. As I’ve said, I’m still a friend. Promise.

H: I really hate myself. Honest. T_T

S: Don’t okay? It’s normal to feel uncertainties. And I’m not mad at you or anything. Have faith that everything will be fine. God is good.

H: I hate saying “sorry” ‘cause it just means I’ve done a mistake. Yet…I’m really sorry. ):

S: I’m sorry too. You want some space or time? Sabihin mo lang, though, there’ll be no expectations on my part. I can understand you, one way or another. It happens.

H: So there it is. Tsk. Pero, honest ha. Last few days, wala lang talaga ako load, hindi naman sa umiiwas ako. Pero sa ngayon, siguro iiwas na talaga ako. Makarine. Haay.

S: Ayokong lumayo ka. Eman makarine ing sabyan ing nanu ing tutu di ba?

H: I just can’t imagine how I feel right now. You’ve been great to me, nice and sweet. I do really appreciate you being there. Pero I’ve made you think na there’s something wrong about yourself which is, wala naman talaga. Wala. And that makes my chest more heavy, ‘cause wala naming prob about you eh. And saying it’s about me, and I can’t find myself seem pathetic kasi sabi mo nga, pasu na. being honest sometimes sucks. Haay.

S: it’s not wrong to say what you really feel. You’ve been honest, so who am I not to appreciate that? And don’t take all the blame. I have my mistakes too. Sabi ko nga sa’yo, I over think things. Kaya in the process nasaktan ko din sarili ko.

H: I didn’t plan this to happen. It just happened. I happen to like you, so I made a choice to know you more. But then I realize, the hole is getting deep and I’m not jumping into it, and I’m being unfair. I’m really sorry. Really, really sorry.

S: Onga. I’m sorry for myself too.

S: You’ve put it mildly. Eh ung ano lang dian, “I don’t like you anymore”. End of story. Hahaha. Parang pang-novel naman mga lines natin. Pang drama. Aha.

H: Ay! To naman, nagdadrama ako, naluha na nga. Lol pa eh. Hmpft.

S: Eh I don’t want to cry. Mas nagmumukha akong kawawa nun. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself. Kasi nangyayari naman talaga yan. Nagsama ba naman mga messed up ang life eh. What do you expect?

H: Ay kung sau messed na for you, ung sa akin disaster! Ilang months ka palang alang work. Compare to me. Tsk.

H: Be safe always…nyt. Mwaah.

M: Yeah. You too. Thank you. God bless. Wag mo akong kalimutan ha? Lol. Good night.

M: Last question lang. may iba kang gusto ngaun ne? Naisip ko lang. ahe

H: Wala.Ü eh di ko nga know ang gusto ko eh. Maybe I want myself back. Tsk.

M: Mahahanap mo din yan. Babalik din. Maliliwanagan ka din.

H: Nyt.

Parang di naman bagay. Hahaha. Mas gusto kong nakikitang nakababa yung buhok niya na may bangs. ((:
Good bye memories! (:

The Silhouette

The curves. The lines. You must embrace them. You must always notice them.

You are the greatest painting. 

Confessions

I am a baby. Yes, I am. I do not know how to cook a decent meal. I do not wash my own clothes. I do not iron my own clothes. I do not clean our house. 

Maybe I am not a baby. I am inane. I should know how to do these things. But let me redeem myself. I know how to fry chicken, hotdog, egg, and anything that could be fried. I can wash a bit of my garments, but not so much because my hands will be wounded. I can iron the clothes I would wear before going out. I can clean our house, can sweep the floor, can polish the furniture, can wash the dishes. I just opted not to. Well, I am lazy like that. But sorry, I am not a household help material, or wife material, maybe. 

I am someone who needs to be taken care of. There are things that I cannot do on my own. I want to be independent, but as I see it, I am more dependent in contrast to what I believe. 

I snob at people I do not know. I am quiet when meeting new acquaintances. I don’t ask a lot of questions regarding the whereabouts of a person. Simply put, I can be someone who would not care about a person who is far beyond the point of my interest. 

I do not move on too quickly. I keep emotions to myself—anger and sadness. But it still shows. I get depressed easily. I get happy way too fast. I am a moody person and you cannot do anything about it. My family had put up with my moodiness for my entire existence and still I cannot change that fact so drastically. 

But despite of all these flaws that I have, I am still me. I love my family. I love my friends. When I like someone, he will be the only one. 

And I believe that my family loves me and will support me all the way. That my friends will always be my true friends up until my dying day.

All I hope is that there will be someone who will accept my imperfections, love me for me, respect me for not being the one he expects me to be. I just want someone who will see past through all of the things I am not and still love me for who I really am. 

And if there is no someone out there that could accept and love me just the way I am, maybe I will course through my life alone. 

How it feels.

The longer it takes, the lesser I become. The farther I come, the more I become lost. Do you know how it feels? The feeling of slowly becoming the person you must not? The world spins around so quickly. Do you know how it feels? The feeling of being left out while everything moves forward? I’ve read somewhere that we should move on but never move away. How’s that possible? I have to get away so I could move on. But how could I move on when I’m so lost like this? I lost track of my pace. I had yet another detour. A chaos. A lonely journey where no one wants to join me. How could someone leave me at a time like this? I am lost. He was lost. How come we couldn’t be lost in each other? How fate played a trick on us, God only knows. Do you know how it feels? The feeling of finally you’ve been found but after some time you’ll realize you never really were? I felt that kismet betrayed me. I was disappointed. Have I made this decision? Why am I in such a place like this? A strange place where I don’t belong. How did I end up in this mess? How did I come up being like this? Why had I made this step? Is there any explanation to this? Is there a reason for this? Will I be redeemed? Could I ever redeem myself from this? Will I ever get out of this place? Will I ever find the meaning of my life? Do you know how it feels? The feeling of being alive but not knowing why and for whom? For whom do I wake up each morning? No one but for myself, my family, and for my friends. But what about my other pair? The pair of my heart? Where is he? The more I think of him, the lesser the hope I have that he will come. But am I really looking forward for his coming or am I waiting for him to come back?

The more that I ask, the more I become confused.

And the more questions left unanswered.

And the more I feel that I am void.

The more I feel that I am empty.